- “What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies.” – Aristotle
- “The friendship that can cease has never been real.” – Saint Jerome
- “I count myselt in nothing else so happy
As in a soul rememb’ring my good friends.” – William Shakespeare
- “I find friendship to be like wine, raw when new, ripened with age, the true old man’s milk and restorative cordial.” – Thomas Jefferson
- “Sir, more than kisses, letters, mingle souls;
For, thus friends absent speak.” – John Donne
- “Too late we learn, a man must hold his friend
Unjudged, accepted, trusted to the end.” – John Boyle O’Reilly
- “Friends have all things in common.” – Plato
- “Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.” – Artistotle
- “My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.” – Henry Ford
- “What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. They are but trifles, to be sure but, scattered along life’s pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.” – Unknown
- “No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence.” – George Eliot
- “It is a sweet thing, friendship, a dear balm,
A happy and auspicious bird of calm…” – Shelly
- “The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.” – Wilson Mizner
- “The happiest moments my heart knows are those in which it is pouring forth its affections to a few esteemed characters.” – Thomas Jefferson
- “One can never speak enough of the virtues, the dangers, the power of shared laughter.” – Francoise Sagan
- “Friendship is always a sweet responsibilty, never an oppourtunity.” – Kahil Gibran
- “There is magic in the memory of schoolboy friendships; it softens the heart, and even affects the nervous system of those who have no heart.” – Bejamin Disraeli
- “I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.” – Walt Whitman
- “True friendship is never serene.” – Marquise de Sevigne
- “When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance.” – Anatole Broyard
- “Friends are born, not made.” – Henry Adams
- “This communicating of a man’s self to his friend works two contrary effects; for it redoubleth joy, and cutteth griefs in half.” – Francis Bacon
- “Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose.” – Tehyi Hsieh
- “There is no hope of joy except in human relations.” – Antoine de Sainte-Exupery
- “The making of friends, who are real friends, is the best token we have of a man’s success in life.” – Edward Everett Hale
- “Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
- “The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?” – Henry David Thoreau
- “Friendship that flows from the heart cannot be frozen by adversity, as the water that flows from the spring cannogt congeal in winter.” – James Fenimore Cooper
- “Friendship without self interest is one of the rare and beautiful things in life.” – James Francis Byrnes
- “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like……love!”
- “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.”
- “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding,«You’re making a scene.»”
- “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.”
- “How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”
- “All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”
- “Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”
- “If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.”
- “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”
- “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
- “If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?”
- “I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!”
- “Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all.”
- “Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.”
- “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Stewie Griffin: What’s this? Blueberries? Oh, oh my G…oh, that’s better than sex!
Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my ass look big?
Peter Griffin: I’ve got an idea – an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I’m talking about.
Peter Griffin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you – very homosexually.
Stewie Griffin: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
Lois Griffin: Stewie why don’t you play in the other room?
Stewie Griffin: Why don’t you burn in hell?
Peter Griffin: Now kids daddy only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Peter Griffin: I’ve had a good life. And you can always be proud of your father and all of his accomplishments.
Meg Griffin: What accomplishments?
Peter Griffin: Go to your room.
Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
- “I think hard drugs are disgusting. But I must say, I think marijuana is pretty lightweight.” – Linda McCartney
- “I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. Marijuana is an herb and a flower. God put it here. If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong? ” – Willie Nelson
- “I smoked pot in college and in the Army.. ” – Al Gore
- “The only dead bodies from marijuana are in the prisons and at the hands of the police. This is ridiculous.” – Jack Herer
- “Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?” – Bill Hicks
- “I think pot should be legal. I don’t smoke it, but I like the smell of it.” – Andy Warhol
- “I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette is equal in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb blast.” – Ronald Reagan
- “When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it, and I didn’t inhale, and I never tried again.” – Bill Clinton
- “A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”
- “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”
- “Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.”
- “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”
- “An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven’t been done before.”
- “Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.”
- “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
- “By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity — another man’s I mean.”
- “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
- “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.”
- “Do something every day that you don’t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.”
- “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
- “Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”
- “Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.”
- “Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.”
- “Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn’t.”
- “Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”
- “Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.”
- “Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”
- “Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.”
- “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.”
- “I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”
- “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.”
- “I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.”
- “I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t.”
- “I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
- “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
- “I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.”
- “I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.”
- “I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, «I’d like some fries.» The girl at the counter said, «Would you like some fries with that?»” – Jay Leno)
- “My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.” – Roseanne
- “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen
- “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
- “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.” – Woody Allen
- “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” – George Carlin
- “Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!” – George Carlin
- “You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.” – Dave Chappelle
- “I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.” – Dave Chappelle
- “A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby
- “To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing.” – Billy Crystal
- “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” – Steven Wright
- “Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.” – Carrie Snow
- “I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.” – Eddie Izzard
- “If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” – George Gobel
- “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin
- “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” – Jerry Seinfeld
- “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.” – Chris Rock
- “By taking a second wife he pays the highest compliment to the first, by showing that she made him so happy as a married man, that he wishes to be so a second time.” – Samuel Johnson
- “Use, do not abuse; neither abstinence nor excess ever renders man happy. ” – Voltaire
- “If you want to be happy, be.” – Leo Tolstoy
- “When we are happy we are always good, but when we are good we are not always happy.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Money never made a man happy yet, nor will it. There is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more a man has, the more he wants. Instead of filling a vacuum, it makes one.” – Benjamin Franklin
- “If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” – Albert Einstein
- “Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.” – Leon Joseph Cardinal Suenens
- “A joyful heart is the inevitable result of a heart burning with love.” – Mother Teresa
- “Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.” – Francesca Reigler
- “Our happiness is greatest when we contribute most to the happiness of others.” – Harriet Shepard
- “Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.” – Marcus Aurelius
- “Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.” – G. K. Chesterton
- “There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those.” – Mother Teresa
- “I have no name: I am but two days old. What shall I call thee? I happy am, Joy is my name. Sweet joy befall thee!” – William Blake
- “You don’t know what you’ve got till its gone..” – Unknown
- “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’ .” – Homer Simpson
- “Anyone can catch your eye but it takes someone special to catch your heart.” – Unknown
- “Once upon a time, something happened to m, it was the sweetest thing, that ever could be, it was a fantasy, a dream come true, it was the day I met you.” – Unknown
- “The best proof of love is trust.” – Dr. Joyce Brothers
- “Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends.” – Unknown
- “Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.” – Jackson Brown Jr.
- “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” – Unknown
- “Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes…….just be an illusion.” – Unknown
- “Love is like wildflowers; It’s often found in the most unlikely places.” – Unknown
- “When you are in Love you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.” – Unknown
- “I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?”
- “What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.”
- “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, «See if you can blow this out.»”
- “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”
- “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”
- “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”
- “Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?”
- “Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”
- “The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.”
- “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
- “I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, «Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.»”
- “See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.”
- “I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.”
- “Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself.”
- “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
- “We think too much and feel too little.”
- “Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.”
- “Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.”
- “The saddest thing I can imagine is to get used to luxury.”
- “All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.”
- “Nothing is permanent in this wicked world – not even our troubles.”
- “To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!”
- “That´s what all we are. Amateurs. We don´t live long enough to be anything else.”
- “In the end, everything is a gag.”