- “My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” – Spike Milligan
- “My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.” – Jay London
- “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres
- “My inner child is not wounded.” – Shannen Doherty
- “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers
- “Never fight an inanimate object.” – P. J. O’Rourke
- “Never floss with a stranger.” – Joan Rivers
- “Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck
- “Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.” – Robert Orben
- “Never wear anything that panics the cat.” – P. J. O’Rourke
- “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” – H. L. Mencken
- “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine
- “Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw
- “Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
- “One man’s folly is another man’s wife.” – Helen Rowland
- “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter
- “Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.” – Lewis Mumford
- “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” – Samuel Butler
- “Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.” – Chevy Chase
- “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” – Ellen DeGeneres
- “I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.” – Duffy Daugherty
- “On this team, we are all united in a common goal: to keep my job.” – Lou Holtz
- “If hockey fights were fake, you would see me in more of them.” – Rod Gilbert
- “The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.” – Spider Lockhart
- “Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.” – Shug Jordan
- “You can observe a lot just by watching.” – Yogi Berra
- “They say a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess that is better than kissing your brother.” – Lou Holtz
- “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. I just can’t figure out where else to play!” – Pat Williams
- “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it” – Unknown
- “The sun doesn’t shine on the same dog’s butt every day but we sure didn’t expect a total eclipse.” – Steve Sloan
- “I’d run over my mother to win the Super Bowl.” – Russ Grimm
- “They didn’t let me out, they just gave me a day pass.”
- “Anger is merely depression without enthusiasm.”
- “When God made man, she was only joking.”
- “I don’t drink; it dulls the drugs.”
- “God must love stupid people- he made so many!”
- “I like children. Properly cooked.”
- “Mirrors can’t talk. And lucky for you they can’t laugh.”
- “I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!”
- “Adults are just kids with money.”
- “TGIF- Thank God I’m female.”
- “Someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.”
- “Keep honking! I’m reloading!”
- “Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.”
- “Do unto others before they do unto you.”
- “Nothing is illegal until you get caught.”
- “Be nice to your kids, they’ll chose your nursing home.”
- “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
- “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
- “When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.”
- “Men are idiots and I married their king.”
- “You can pick your nose and pick your friends but you can’t wipe your friends on the couch.”
- “Behind every good man, there is a good woman. And behind every good woman, there’s another man looking at her butt.”
- “I see dumb people.”
- “Follow your dreams… except the one when you’re at school in your underwear.”
- “If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”
- “Behind every successful man, there is a surprised woman.”
- “The more I know about men, the more I admire dogs.”
- “They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.”
- “Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.”
- “If it weren’t for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.”
- “Who died and made you Darth Vader?”
- “Too many freaks, not enough circus’s!”
- “Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill.”
- “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”
- “I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!”
- “I’m not littering…. I’m donating to the earth.”
- “If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.”
- “DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.”
- “Your child may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.”
- “Doctors say I have a multiple personality, but we don’t agree with that.”
- “Don’t judge a book by its movie.”
- “Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.”
- “My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test.”
- “If you have something to say, raise your hand. Then place it over your mouth.”
- “Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.”
- “I’m the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.”
- “Boys will be boys … so will a lot of middle aged men.”
- “Why do people say “no offense” when they’re about to offend someone?”
- “If Harry Potter’s so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn’t need a broomstick to cling onto.” – Frankie Boyle
- “Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who’ll think he’s Tiger Woods.” – Frankie Boyle
- “A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.” – Unknown
- “It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it’s a depression when you lose yours.” – Harry S. Truman
- “Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world’s oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing – Gary Coleman is going to drown.” – Conan O’Brien
- “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightening and the lightening bug.” – Mark Twain
- “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
- “The first rule of baseball is to get a good ball to hit.” – Rogers Hornsby
- “The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing.” – German Proverb
- “The next best thing to winning is losing! At least you’ve been in the race.” – Nellie Hershey Tullis
- “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” – George Will
- “The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vidal Sassoon
- “The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” – Sarah Brown
- “The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.” – Thomas Holcroft
- “Certainly the plagiarism, and dealing with the fallout of it, was the most difficult thing I’ve ever faced since I started writing.” – Nora Roberts
- “Composers shouldn’t think too much – it interferes with their plagiarism.” – Howard Dietz
- “I could tell you which writer’s rhythms I am imitating. It’s not exactly plagiarism, it’s falling in love with good language and trying to imitate it.” – Charles Kuralt
- “I think almost every newspaper in the United States has lost circulation due to the Internet. I also think the Internet will lead to a lot of plagiarism in journalism.” – Will McDonough
- “Ideas improve. The meaning of words participates in the improvement. Plagiarism is necessary. Progress implies it. It embraces an author’s phrase, makes use of his expressions, erases a false idea, and replaces it with the right idea.” – Guy Debord
- “If we steal thoughts from the moderns, it will be cried down as plagiarism; if from the ancients, it will be cried up as erudition.” – Charles Caleb Colton
- “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.” – Wilson Mizner
- “Mr. Fitzgerald, I believe that is how he spells his name, seems to believe that plagiarism begins at home.” – Zelda Fitzgerald
- “No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.” – Gilbert Gottfried
- “Taking something from one man and making it worse is plagiarism.” – George A. Moore
- “What is originality? Undetected plagiarism.” – Dean Inge
- “When you take stuff from one writer it’s plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it’s research.” – Wilson Mizner
- “Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.” – Adrienne Gusoff
- “An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
- “Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
- “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein
- “Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.” – Unknown
- “You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.” – Unknown
- “The four most important words in any marriage…«I’ll do the dishes.»” – Unknown
- “No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.” – Unknown
- “Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.” – Unknown
- “When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.” – Unknown
- “Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!” – Unknown
- “You can’t buy love on eBay.” – Unknown
- “If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?” – Bette Midler
- “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” – Brendan Francis
- “Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” – Cathy Carlyle
- “Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.” – Cecilia Egan
- “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.” – Cher
- “Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.” – Cher
- “By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.” – Dorothy Parker
- “I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.” – Dudley Moore
- “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Erma Bombeck
- “Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.” – Fran Lebowitz
- “It is impossible to love and be wise.” – Francis Bacon
- “Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
- “Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.” – Fulton J. Sheen
- “Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.” – George Carlin
- “Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.” – Glenn Beck
- “I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
- “To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.” – Helen Rowland
- “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” – Henry Kissinger
- “When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.
And she never did.” – James Fineous McBride
- “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” – Jean Kerr
- “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford
- “It’s been so long since I made love,
I can’t even remember who gets tied up.” – Joan Rivers
- “Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.” – Joan Rivers
- “You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.” – Jonathan Carroll
- “No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along.” – Joyce Brothers
- “If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.” – Katharine Hepburn
- “True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.” – La Rochefoucauld
- “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” – Lily Tomlin
- “The only people who make love all the time are liars.” – Louis Jordan
- “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.” – Natalie Wood
- “Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Love is a grave mental disease.” – Plato
- “Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?” – Rita Rudner
- “Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.” – Sandra J. Dykes
- “All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.” – Shelley Winters
- “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
- “A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.” – Thomas Hardy
- “Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.” – Tommy Dewar
- “Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.” – W. Somerset Maugham
- “I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” – Walt Disney
- “Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” – Woody Allen
- “The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.” – Woody Allen
- “Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.” – Woody Allen
- “I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.”
- “I’d like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I’ll do that before I’m thirty.”
- “I’m 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I’m playing right where I’m supposed to be. I’m comfortable with that, but in the same breath I’d do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I’d do it.”
- “I’m relaxed about my career. I’ve been making movies for over 20 years, so I’ve earned at least the right to relax.”
- “I’ve always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.”
- “I’ve made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I’ve mostly been successful.”
- “If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.”
- “In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job.”
- “In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!”
- “The economy in Ireland has been rampaging ahead for the last 15 years. Barring an international, political or natural catastrophe, things can only get better for the Irish.”
- “The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood.”
- “You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don’t work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won’t work.”
- “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like……love!”
- “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.”
- “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding,«You’re making a scene.»”
- “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.”
- “How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”
- “All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”
- “Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”
- “If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.”
- “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”
- “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
- “If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?”
- “I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!”
- “Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all.”
- “Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.”
- “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Stewie Griffin: What’s this? Blueberries? Oh, oh my G…oh, that’s better than sex!
Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my ass look big?
Peter Griffin: I’ve got an idea – an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I’m talking about.
Peter Griffin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you – very homosexually.
Stewie Griffin: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
Lois Griffin: Stewie why don’t you play in the other room?
Stewie Griffin: Why don’t you burn in hell?
Peter Griffin: Now kids daddy only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Peter Griffin: I’ve had a good life. And you can always be proud of your father and all of his accomplishments.
Meg Griffin: What accomplishments?
Peter Griffin: Go to your room.
Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.