1. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up, because by that time I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley
2. “What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.” – Oscar Levant
3. “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?” – Paul Merton
4. “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.” – Homer Simpson
5. “I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?” – Jean Kerr
6. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” – Steven Wright
7. “At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.” – Partick Moore
8. “I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” – Groucho Marx
9. “You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeners
10. “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” – Elayne Boosler
- “My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.” – Tim Allen
- “The more I know about men the more I like dogs.” – Gloria Allred
- “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house.” – Jean Kerr
- “Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.” – Maryon Pearson
- “I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance — a sharp, vindictive glance.” – James Thurber
- “Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.” – Oscar Wilde
- “The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.” – Jeanne-Marie Roland
- “On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.” – Bruce Willis
- “Why can’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them!” – Kathy Lette
- “Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” – Kathy Lette
- “Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.” – Kathy Lette
- “Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.” – Will Rogers
- “Man has will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Money doesn’t buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Ferrari.” – Unknown
“I’m so fucking happy, I could shit rainbows.”
- “My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” – Spike Milligan
- “My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.” – Jay London
- “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres
- “My inner child is not wounded.” – Shannen Doherty
- “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers
- “Never fight an inanimate object.” – P. J. O’Rourke
- “Never floss with a stranger.” – Joan Rivers
- “Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck
- “Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.” – Robert Orben
- “Never wear anything that panics the cat.” – P. J. O’Rourke
- “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” – H. L. Mencken
- “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine
- “Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw
- “Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
- “One man’s folly is another man’s wife.” – Helen Rowland
- “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter
- “Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.” – Lewis Mumford
- “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” – Samuel Butler
- “Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.” – Chevy Chase
- “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” – Ellen DeGeneres
- “I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.” – Duffy Daugherty
- “On this team, we are all united in a common goal: to keep my job.” – Lou Holtz
- “If hockey fights were fake, you would see me in more of them.” – Rod Gilbert
- “The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.” – Spider Lockhart
- “Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.” – Shug Jordan
- “You can observe a lot just by watching.” – Yogi Berra
- “They say a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess that is better than kissing your brother.” – Lou Holtz
- “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. I just can’t figure out where else to play!” – Pat Williams
- “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it” – Unknown
- “The sun doesn’t shine on the same dog’s butt every day but we sure didn’t expect a total eclipse.” – Steve Sloan
- “I’d run over my mother to win the Super Bowl.” – Russ Grimm
- “They didn’t let me out, they just gave me a day pass.”
- “Anger is merely depression without enthusiasm.”
- “When God made man, she was only joking.”
- “I don’t drink; it dulls the drugs.”
- “God must love stupid people- he made so many!”
- “I like children. Properly cooked.”
- “Mirrors can’t talk. And lucky for you they can’t laugh.”
- “I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!”
- “Adults are just kids with money.”
- “TGIF- Thank God I’m female.”
- “Someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.”
- “Keep honking! I’m reloading!”
- “Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.”
- “Do unto others before they do unto you.”
- “Nothing is illegal until you get caught.”
- “Be nice to your kids, they’ll chose your nursing home.”
- “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
- “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
- “When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.”
- “Men are idiots and I married their king.”
- “You can pick your nose and pick your friends but you can’t wipe your friends on the couch.”
- “Behind every good man, there is a good woman. And behind every good woman, there’s another man looking at her butt.”
- “I see dumb people.”
- “Follow your dreams… except the one when you’re at school in your underwear.”
- “If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”
- “Behind every successful man, there is a surprised woman.”
- “The more I know about men, the more I admire dogs.”
- “They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.”
- “Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.”
- “If it weren’t for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.”
- “Who died and made you Darth Vader?”
- “Too many freaks, not enough circus’s!”
- “Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill.”
- “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”
- “I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!”
- “I’m not littering…. I’m donating to the earth.”
- “If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.”
- “DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.”
- “Your child may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.”
- “Doctors say I have a multiple personality, but we don’t agree with that.”
- “Don’t judge a book by its movie.”
- “Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.”
- “My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test.”
- “If you have something to say, raise your hand. Then place it over your mouth.”
- “Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.”
- “I’m the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.”
- “Boys will be boys … so will a lot of middle aged men.”
- “Why do people say “no offense” when they’re about to offend someone?”
- “If Harry Potter’s so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn’t need a broomstick to cling onto.” – Frankie Boyle
- “Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who’ll think he’s Tiger Woods.” – Frankie Boyle
- “A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.” – Unknown
- “It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it’s a depression when you lose yours.” – Harry S. Truman
- “Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world’s oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing – Gary Coleman is going to drown.” – Conan O’Brien
- “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightening and the lightening bug.” – Mark Twain
- “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
- “The first rule of baseball is to get a good ball to hit.” – Rogers Hornsby
- “The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing.” – German Proverb
- “The next best thing to winning is losing! At least you’ve been in the race.” – Nellie Hershey Tullis
- “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” – George Will
- “The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vidal Sassoon
- “The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” – Sarah Brown
- “The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.” – Thomas Holcroft
- “Certainly the plagiarism, and dealing with the fallout of it, was the most difficult thing I’ve ever faced since I started writing.” – Nora Roberts
- “Composers shouldn’t think too much – it interferes with their plagiarism.” – Howard Dietz
- “I could tell you which writer’s rhythms I am imitating. It’s not exactly plagiarism, it’s falling in love with good language and trying to imitate it.” – Charles Kuralt
- “I think almost every newspaper in the United States has lost circulation due to the Internet. I also think the Internet will lead to a lot of plagiarism in journalism.” – Will McDonough
- “Ideas improve. The meaning of words participates in the improvement. Plagiarism is necessary. Progress implies it. It embraces an author’s phrase, makes use of his expressions, erases a false idea, and replaces it with the right idea.” – Guy Debord
- “If we steal thoughts from the moderns, it will be cried down as plagiarism; if from the ancients, it will be cried up as erudition.” – Charles Caleb Colton
- “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.” – Wilson Mizner
- “Mr. Fitzgerald, I believe that is how he spells his name, seems to believe that plagiarism begins at home.” – Zelda Fitzgerald
- “No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.” – Gilbert Gottfried
- “Taking something from one man and making it worse is plagiarism.” – George A. Moore
- “What is originality? Undetected plagiarism.” – Dean Inge
- “When you take stuff from one writer it’s plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it’s research.” – Wilson Mizner