Famous, Inspirational, Wisdom Quotes » Funny Quotes

Funny Pessimist Quote

Grim_Cris — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 10:20:57 +0000

- “Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back” – Unknown

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Funny Patience Quotes

Grim_Cris — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 12:21:52 +0000

- “A healthy adult male bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people’s patience.” – John Updike

- “If you wait, it will go away.” – Hellrung’s Law

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Famous and Funny Psychology Quotes

Grim_Cris — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 10:16:40 +0000

- “Behavioral psychology is the science of pulling habits out of rats.” – Douglas Busch

- “Psychology is the science of the act of experiencing, and deals with the whole system of such acts as they make up mental life.” – Samuel Alexander

- “Psychoanalysis is confession without absolution.” - G.K. Chesterton

- “Like all science, psychology is knowledge; and like science again, it is knowledge of a definite thing, the mind.” – James M. Baldwin

- “A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world.” – Paul Dudley White

- “The aim of psychoanalysis is to relieve people of their neurotic unhappiness so that they can be normally unhappy.” – Sigmund Freud

- “A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.” – Joey Adams

- “There are cases where psychoanalysis works worse than anything else. But who said that psychoanalysis was to be applied always and everywhere.” – C.G. Jung

- “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” – Ben Williams

- “Psychology keeps trying to vindicate human nature. History keeps undermining the effort.” – Mason Cooley

- “A wonderful discovery, psychoanalysis. Makes quite simple people feel they’re complex.” – S.N. Behrman

- “Psychology has a long past, but only a short history.” – Hermann Ebbinghaus

- “A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.” – Jerome Lawrence

- “The two main hazards of psychoanalysis: that it might fail, and that if it succeeds, you’ll never be able to forgive yourself for all those wasted years.” – Mignon McLaughlin

- “The purpose of psychology is to give us a completely different idea of the things we know best.” – Paul Valéry

- “Psychiatry is probably the single most destructive force that has affected the American society within the last fifty years.” - Thomas S. Szasz

- “Psychoanalysis can provide a theory of ‘progress,’ but only by viewing history as a neurosis.” – Norman O. Brown, Life Against Death

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Psychology Quotes

Top 10 Funny Quotes of the Day

Grim_Cris — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 06:51:55 +0000

1. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up, because by that time I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley

2. “What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.” – Oscar Levant

3. “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?” – Paul Merton

4. “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.” – Homer Simpson

5. “I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?” – Jean Kerr

6. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” – Steven Wright

7. “At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.” – Partick Moore

8. “I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” – Groucho Marx

9. “You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeners

10. “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” – Elayne Boosler

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Funny Men Quotes

Grim_Cris — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 08:12:27 +0000

- “My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.” – Tim Allen
- “The more I know about men the more I like dogs.” – Gloria Allred
- “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house.” – Jean Kerr
- “Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.” – Maryon Pearson
- “I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance — a sharp, vindictive glance.” – James Thurber
- “Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.” – Oscar Wilde
- “The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.” – Jeanne-Marie Roland
- “On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.” – Bruce Willis
- “Why can’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them!” – Kathy Lette
- “Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” – Kathy Lette
- “Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.” – Kathy Lette
- “Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.” – Will Rogers
- “Man has will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes

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Funny Quote of the day

Grim_Cris — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 12:08:20 +0000

“Money doesn’t buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Ferrari.” – Unknown

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Funny Happiness Quote

Grim_Cris — Sat, 08 May 2010 13:34:57 +0000

“I’m so fucking happy, I could shit rainbows.”

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Funny Quotes

Grim_Cris — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 18:44:06 +0000

- “My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” – Spike Milligan

- “My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.” – Jay London

- “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

- “My inner child is not wounded.” – Shannen Doherty

- “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers

- “Never fight an inanimate object.” – P. J. O’Rourke

- “Never floss with a stranger.” – Joan Rivers

- “Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck

- “Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.” – Robert Orben

- “Never wear anything that panics the cat.” – P. J. O’Rourke

- “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” – H. L. Mencken

- “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine

- “Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw

- “Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

- “One man’s folly is another man’s wife.” – Helen Rowland

- “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter

- “Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.” – Lewis Mumford

- “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” – Samuel Butler

- “Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.” – Chevy Chase

- “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” – Ellen DeGeneres

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Funny Sports Quotes

Grim_Cris — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 18:10:00 +0000

- “I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.” – Duffy Daugherty

- “On this team, we are all united in a common goal: to keep my job.” – Lou Holtz

- “If hockey fights were fake, you would see me in more of them.” – Rod Gilbert

- “The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.” – Spider Lockhart

- “Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.” – Shug Jordan

- “You can observe a lot just by watching.” – Yogi Berra

- “They say a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess that is better than kissing your brother.” – Lou Holtz

- “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. I just can’t figure out where else to play!” – Pat Williams

- “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it” – Unknown

- “The sun doesn’t shine on the same dog’s butt every day but we sure didn’t expect a total eclipse.” – Steve Sloan

- “I’d run over my mother to win the Super Bowl.” – Russ Grimm

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Funny Hilarious Quotes

Grim_Cris — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 06:47:22 +0000

- “They didn’t let me out, they just gave me a day pass.”

- “Anger is merely depression without enthusiasm.”

- “When God made man, she was only joking.”

- “I don’t drink; it dulls the drugs.”

- “God must love stupid people- he made so many!”

- “I like children. Properly cooked.”

- “Mirrors can’t talk. And lucky for you they can’t laugh.”

- “I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!”

- “Adults are just kids with money.”

- “TGIF- Thank God I’m female.”

- “Someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.”

- “Keep honking! I’m reloading!”

- “Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.”

- “Do unto others before they do unto you.”

- “Nothing is illegal until you get caught.”

- “Be nice to your kids, they’ll chose your nursing home.”

- “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”

- “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

- “When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.”

- “Men are idiots and I married their king.”

- “You can pick your nose and pick your friends but you can’t wipe your friends on the couch.”

- “Behind every good man, there is a good woman. And behind every good woman, there’s another man looking at her butt.”

- “I see dumb people.”

- “Follow your dreams… except the one when you’re at school in your underwear.”

- “If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”

- “Behind every successful man, there is a surprised woman.”

- “The more I know about men, the more I admire dogs.”

- “They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.”

- “Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.”

- “If it weren’t for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.”

- “Who died and made you Darth Vader?”

- “Too many freaks, not enough circus’s!”

- “Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill.”

- “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”

- “I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!”

- “I’m not littering…. I’m donating to the earth.”

- “If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.”

- “DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.”

- “Your child may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.”

- “Doctors say I have a multiple personality, but we don’t agree with that.”

- “Don’t judge a book by its movie.”

- “Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.”

- “My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test.”

- “If you have something to say, raise your hand. Then place it over your mouth.”

- “Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.”

- “I’m the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.”

- “Boys will be boys … so will a lot of middle aged men.”

- “Why do people say “no offense” when they’re about to offend someone?”

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