I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. – Frank Howard Clark

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. – Mohandas Gandhi

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor. – Jennifer Jones

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. – Francis Bacon

In conversation, humor is worth more than wit and easiness more than knowledge. – George Herbert

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you. – Langston Hughes

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

Nothing is so galling to a people not broken in from the birth as a paternal, or in other words a meddling government, a government which tells them what to read and say and eat and drink and wear. – Thomas W. Higginson

One doesn’t have a sense of humor. It has you. – Larry Gelbart

Puns are a form of humor with words. – Guillermo Cabrera Infante

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. – W. C. Fields

The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense. – Jacob August Riis

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance. – Peter De Vries

The secret to humor is surprise. – Aristotle

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. – Bill Cosby

There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor. – Thomas W. Higginson

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them. – Robert Benchley

This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought. – Lin Yutang

What a strange world this would be if we all had the same sense of humor. – Bern Williams

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Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You don’t need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

I scream the same way whether I’m about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

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If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size? – Sydney J. Harris

Get mad, then get over it. – Colin Powell

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. – Malachy McCourt

Next time you’re mad, try dancing out your anger. – Sweetpea Tyler

Malice drinks one-half of its own poison. – Seneca

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. – Mark Twain

The worst-tempered people I’ve ever met were people who knew they were wrong. – Wilson Mizner

If you would cure anger, do not feed it. Say to yourself: ‘I used to be angry every day; then every other day; now only every third or fourth day.’ When you reach thirty days offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving to the gods. – Epictetus

Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one. – Albert Einstein

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him. – Booker T. Washington

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. – Golda Meir

Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Expressing anger is a form of public littering. – Willard Gaylin

Keep cool; anger is not an argument. – Daniel Webster

Anger should never be an overnight guest. – Neal A. Maxwell

He is a fool who cannot be angry; – Seneca

Flying off the handle sometimes causes hammers and humans to lose their heads, as well as their effectiveness. – William Arthur Ward

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. – Will Rogers

Can you, please, choose your favorite and write it down in the comments section? Thank you!

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- I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

-How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

- LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

- How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and i nstinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be
a problem….

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

What’s your favorite?

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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Will Rogers

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – Unknown

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes. – Oscar Wilde

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. – Unknown

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on. – Samual Goldwyn

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. – Sam Levenson

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – Unknown

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. – Unknown

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. – George Burns

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“A good laugh makes any interview, or any conversation, so much better.” – Barbara Walters

“He who laughs, lasts.” – Mary Pettibone Poole

“A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder

“There is nothing like a gleam of humor to reassure you that a fellow human being is ticking inside a strange face.” – Eva Hoffman

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” – Bill Cosby

“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.” – Henry Ward Beecher

“It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously.” – Oscar Wilde

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.” – Erma Bombeck

“A sense of humor… is needed armor. Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.” – Hugh Sidey

“A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.” – Frank A. Clark

“No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.” – Samuel Taylor Coleridge

“Comedy is acting out optimism.” – Robin Williams

“A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.” – William Arthur Ward

“Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.” – Allen Klein

“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” – Mel Brooks

“Humor is laughing at what you haven’t got when you ought to have it.” – Langston Hughes

“Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.” – Christopher Morley

“If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.” – Jennifer Jones

“Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.” – Victor Borge

“Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.” – Leo Rosten

“Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.” – Langston Hughes

“Next to power without honor, the most dangerous thing in the world is power without humor.” – Eric Sevareid

“The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.” – Jacob August Riis

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A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.

I keep hitting “escape”, but I’m still here.

I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.

I have a drinking problem – I can’t afford it.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when we’ve put footprints on the moon.

I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.

Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.

I tried to put my head together but now my body is falling apart!!

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

I can resist everything except temptation.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs.’

Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.

When everything comes your way you’re in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..

Born free, taxed to death.

Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon!

If you can’t convince them, confuse them..

It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!

The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

Someday is not a day of the week

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

The road to success….. Is always under construction.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk.

In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

If ignorance is bliss, then I must be the happiest thingamajig in the whatchamacallit!

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. [Oscar Wilde]

Silence is golden… duck tape is silver.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I know there’s other fish in the sea, but I lost my pole when the last one got away from me.

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Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a “shell” if you will. But my shell isn’t made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

You can’t tell me that cowboys, when they’re branding cattle, don’t sort of “accidentally” brand each other every once in a while. It’s their way of letting off stress.

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.

If I ever become a mummy, I’m going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of stainer, where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow.

One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.

You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.

I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy?! Oh, well, never saw HIM again.As I stood there looking at the beautiful waterfall, I wondered how many other people had stood there, and how many had candy corn “teeth” sticking out between their lips like I did.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same room and let them fight it out…

For a while I didn’t have a car…I had a helicopter…no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running…

I collect rare photographs… I have two… One of Houdini locking his keys in his car… the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

ON ADS IN BILLS: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, “Could you throw this away for me? Thank you.” I think this is a great idea!

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be “Clark Kent, Dentist,” because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, “How’s my back tooth?” and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, “Oh it’s okay,” then the patient would probably say, “Aren’t you going to take an X-ray, stupid?” and you’d say, “Aw fuck you, get outta here,” and then he probably wouldn’t even pay his bill.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment”? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, “Don’t forget the thick, heavy brows.” Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they’d get mad and eat the snowman.

Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it “dull” that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn’t seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you’ve never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It’s not love I’m describing. I’m thinking of a monorail.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, “I like mayonnaise.” She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you’ll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that’s my point.

You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!

I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary!

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen’s round metal hat.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I’d have all my money back.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because, man, they’re gone. How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak.

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How do blind people know when they are done “wiping?”

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Put on your seatbelt….. I wanna try something.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.

Death is hereditary.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Multitasking – screwing up several things at once.

Arachibutyrophobia : fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable – until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it’s head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said “Watch for Rocks.” Marta said it should read “Watch for Pretty Rocks.” I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke – just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I’ll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn’t get more meat, I’ll just say, “Oh, you mean this?” and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I’ve hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

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