Funny Quotes

Posted on May 11, 2011 by Grim Cris

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. – Groucho Marx

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat. – Erma Bombeck

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. – Bob Hope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. – Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. – Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” – Claude Pepper

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. – Jerry Seinfeld

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. – Bill Cosby

All men are equal before fish. – Herbert Hoover

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. – Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. – Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. – Groucho Marx

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett

As I get older, I just prefer to knit. – Tracey Ullman

Be obscure clearly. – E. B. White

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. – P. J. O’Rourke

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

Funny Anonymous Quotes

Posted on April 26, 2011 by Grim Cris

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

The word ‘studying’ was made up of two words originally – ‘students dying’.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

Funny Baseball Quotes

Posted on April 24, 2011 by Grim Cris

Baseball is a skilled game. It’s America’s game – it, and high taxes. ~Will Rogers (American Humorist)

Hating the New York Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. ~Mike Royko (Newspaper Columnist, Chicago)

If God wanted football played in the spring, he would not have invented baseball. ~Sam Rutigliano (Former National Football League Head Coach)

A baseball park is the one place where a man’s wife doesn’t mind his getting excited over somebody else’s curves. ~Brendan Francis

It’s no coincidence that female interest in the sport of baseball has increased greatly since the ballplayers swapped those wonderful old-time baggy flannel uniforms for leotards. ~Mike Royko

Baseball is reassuring. It makes me feel as if the world is not going to blow up. ~Sharon Olds (American Poet)

Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player. ~Author Unknown

Strikeouts are boring – besides that, they’re fascist. Throw some ground balls. More democratic. ~Bull Durham, Movie

Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. Not all holes, or games, are created equal. ~George F. Will (American Newspaper Columnist, Writer, and Journalist)

Ninety feet between home plate and first base may be the closest man has ever come to perfection. ~Red Smith (American Sportswriter)

Nothing flatters me more than to have it assumed that I could write prose-unless it be to have it assumed that I once pitched a baseball with distinction. ~Robert Frost (Poet)

Don’t try this

Posted on April 3, 2011 by Grim Cris

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you – Arthur McAuliff

Funny Christmas Quotes

Posted on March 26, 2011 by Grim Cris

“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.” – Anonymous

“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno

“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” – Anonymous

“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.” – Anonymous

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” – Bernard Manning

“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Anonymous

“Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.” – John Cleese, “Mony Python”

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck

Sarcastic Quotes

Posted on March 15, 2011 by Grim Cris

If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.

He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the devil.

Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.

You were looking good from afar.. now you’re far from looking good.

I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.

Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.

I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Violence won’t solve anything….But it sure makes me feel good.

Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.

Think I am sarcastic?
Watch me pretend to care!

That is the ugliest top Ive ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.

I don’t believe in plastic surgery,
But in your case,
Go ahead.

My loyalty cannot be brought, however, it can be rented.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.

Funny Proverbs and Sayings

Posted on March 9, 2011 by Grim Cris

Patience will come to those who wait for it.

Man who lives in glass house shouldn’t run naked.

Wife who puts husband in doghouse soon will find him in cathouse.

The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody’s perfect, so why practice?

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

If at first you don’t succeed, get new batteries.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey.

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

You never test the depth of a river with both feet.

An ideal mind is the best way to relax.

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Parents can tell but never teach, unless they practice what they preach.

Two’s a company, three’s the Musketeers.

Wise men don’t need advice. Fools won’t take it.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.

It matters not what you do, as long as you are the best one doing it.

Never underestimate the power of termites.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

Many complain of their looks, but none of their brains.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you must blow your own nose.

A penny saved is not much

Don’t bite the hand that looks dirty.

A miss is as good as a Mister.

Dilbert Quotes

Posted on February 26, 2011 by Grim Cris

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
6. I DON’T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, “where the heck is the ceiling?”
8. My reality cheque bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
14. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
16. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
25. Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
26. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
27. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.
28. If at first you don’t succeed……skydiving isn’t for you.
29. Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
30. When everything is coming your way……you’re in the wrong lane.

Famous Humor Quotes

Posted on February 26, 2011 by Grim Cris

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

“There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?” – Dick Cavett

“Never be afraid to laugh at yourself. After all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.” – Dame Edna Everage

“That is the saving grace of humor. If you fail no one is laughing at you.” – A. Whitney Brown

“Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.” – Christopher Morely

“Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it you have the ability to enjoy it.” – Salma Hayek

“The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” – E.B. White

“You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance.” – W. Somerset Maugham

“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.” – Frank Howard Clark

I’m NSFW

Posted on February 20, 2011 by Grim Cris