- “They didn’t let me out, they just gave me a day pass.”
- “Anger is merely depression without enthusiasm.”
- “When God made man, she was only joking.”
- “I don’t drink; it dulls the drugs.”
- “God must love stupid people- he made so many!”
- “I like children. Properly cooked.”
- “Mirrors can’t talk. And lucky for you they can’t laugh.”
- “I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!”
- “Adults are just kids with money.”
- “TGIF- Thank God I’m female.”
- “Someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.”
- “Keep honking! I’m reloading!”
- “Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.”
- “Do unto others before they do unto you.”
- “Nothing is illegal until you get caught.”
- “Be nice to your kids, they’ll chose your nursing home.”
- “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
- “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
- “When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.”
- “Men are idiots and I married their king.”
- “You can pick your nose and pick your friends but you can’t wipe your friends on the couch.”
- “Behind every good man, there is a good woman. And behind every good woman, there’s another man looking at her butt.”
- “I see dumb people.”
- “Follow your dreams… except the one when you’re at school in your underwear.”
- “If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”
- “Behind every successful man, there is a surprised woman.”
- “The more I know about men, the more I admire dogs.”
- “They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.”
- “Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.”
- “If it weren’t for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.”
- “Who died and made you Darth Vader?”
- “Too many freaks, not enough circus’s!”
- “Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill.”
- “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”
- “I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!”
- “I’m not littering…. I’m donating to the earth.”
- “If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.”
- “DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.”
- “Your child may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.”
- “Doctors say I have a multiple personality, but we don’t agree with that.”
- “Don’t judge a book by its movie.”
- “Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.”
- “My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test.”
- “If you have something to say, raise your hand. Then place it over your mouth.”
- “Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.”
- “I’m the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.”
- “Boys will be boys … so will a lot of middle aged men.”
- “Why do people say “no offense” when they’re about to offend someone?”
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