“There are two things that a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and its mother’s age.” – Benjamin Spock

“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.” – Woody Allen

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” – Bill Cosby

“Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth.” – Peter Ustinov

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.” – Michelle Pfeiffer

“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” – Joyce Armor

“Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.” – Yogi Berra

“The most loving parents and relatives commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force us to destroy the person we really are: a subtle kind of murder.” – Jim Morrison

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t, either.” – Dick Cavett

“That’s sort of a cliché about parents. We all believe that our children are the most beautiful children in the world. But the thing is, what no one really talks about is the fact that we all really believe it.” – Heather Armstrong

“My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.” – Peter De Vries

“Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people’s children and publicly admit they can do better is asking for it.” – Erma Bombeck

“My husband and I have decided to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them.” – Rita Rudner

“Call me Jonah. My parents did, or nearly did. They called me John.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“It is paradoxical that many educators and parents still differentiate between a time for learning and a time for play without seeing the vital connection between them.” – Leo Buscaglia

“Parents wonder why the streams are bitter, when they themselves have poisoned the fountain.” – John Locke

“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” – Mark Twain

“Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.” – Ogden Nash

“My parents are my backbone. Still are. They’re the only group that will support you if you score zero or you score 40.” – Kobe Bryant

“I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.” – Dave Barry

“Tyranny or slavery, born of selfishness, are the two educational methods of parents; all gradations of tyranny or slavery.” – Franz Kafka

“The best part about being friends with your parents is that no matter what you do, they have to keep loving you.” – Natalie Portman

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- “Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home.” – Carol Nelson

- “He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” – Roy L. Smith

- “Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind.” – Mary Ellen Chase

- “I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.” – Charles Dickens

- “Christmas is the gentlest, loveliest festival of the revolving year – and yet, for all that, when it speaks, its voice has strong authority.” – W.J. Cameron

- “The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.” – Burton Hillis

- “Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his own fire-side and his quiet home!” – Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers, 1836

- “There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries.” – W.J. Cameron

- “A Christmas gambol oft could cheer
The poor man’s heart through half the year.” – Walter Scott

- “Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder

- “May Peace be your gift at Christmas and your blessing all year through!” – Unknown

- “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” – Charles Dickens

- “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde, The Merry Book of Christmas

- “Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.” – Washington Irving

- “Isn’t it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for – I don’t know what exactly, but it’s something that you don’t mind so much not having at other times.” – Kate L. Bosher

- “Instead of being a time of unusual behavior, Christmas is perhaps the only time in the year when people can obey their natural impulses and express their true sentiments without feeling self-conscious and, perhaps, foolish. Christmas, in short, is about the only chance a man has to be himself.” – Francis C. Farley

- “It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.” – W.T. Ellis

- “For centuries men have kept an appointment with Christmas. Christmas means fellowship, feasting, giving and receiving, a time of good cheer, home.” – W.J. Ronald Tucker

- “Even as an adult I find it difficult to sleep on Christmas Eve. Yuletide excitement is a potent caffeine, no matter your age.” – Carrie Latet

- “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” – Richard Lamm

- “Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love!” – Hamilton Wright Mabie

- “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” – Unknown

- “Christmas is forever, not for just one day,
for loving, sharing, giving, are not to put away
like bells and lights and tinsel, in some box upon a shelf.
The good you do for others is good you do yourself…” – Norman Wesley Brooks, “Let Every Day Be Christmas,” 1976

- “From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.” – Katharine Whitehorn

- “In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’” – Dave Barry, “Christmas Shopping: A Survivor’s Guide”

- “Remember
This December,
That love weighs more than gold!” – Josephine Dodge Daskam Bacon

- “I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year. And thus I drift along into the holidays – let them overtake me unexpectedly – waking up some find morning and suddenly saying to myself: «Why, this is Christmas Day!» ” – David Grayson

- “A Christmas candle is a lovely thing;
It makes no noise at all,
But softly gives itself away.” – Eva Logue

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The only blind person at Christmastime is he who has not Christmas in his heart. – Helen Keller

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. – Dave Barry

Christmas, my child, is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas. – Dale Evans Rogers

This, the spirit of Christmas, that forever and ever endures. May it leave its richest blessing in the hearts of you and yours. – Author Unknown

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. – Victor Borge

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. – Larry Wilde

From home to home, and heart to heart, from one place to another. The warmth and joy of Christmas brings us closer to each other. – Emily Matthews

The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others’ burdens, easing other’s loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas. – WC Jones

Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles. – Unknown

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“The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen and all of a sudden they’ve reached puberty, they believe that they like women. Actually, you’re just horny. It doesn’t mean you like women any more at twenty-one than you did at ten.” – Jules Feiffer

“In the life of children there are two very clear-cut phases, before and after puberty. Before puberty the child’s personality has not yet formed and it is easier to guide its life and make it acquire specific habits of order, discipline, and work: after puberty the personality develops impetuously and all extraneous intervention becomes odious, tyrannical, insufferable. Now it so happens that parents feel the responsibility towards their children precisely during this second period, when it is too late: then of course the stick and violence enter the scene and yield very few results indeed. Why not instead take an interest in the child during the first period?” – Antonio Gramsci

“Having a thirteen-year-old in the family is like having a general-admission ticket to the movies, radio and TV. You get to understand that the glittering new arts of our civilization are directed to the teen-agers, and by their suffrage they stand or fall.” – Max Lerner

“Teenage boys, goaded by their surging hormones run in packs like the primal horde. They have only a brief season of exhilarating liberty between control by their mothers and control by their wives.” – Camille Paglia

“I would there were no age between ten and three-and-twenty, or that youth would sleep out the rest; for there is nothing in the between but getting wenches with child, wronging the anciently, stealing, fighting.” – William Shakespeare

“To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.” – Dave Barry

“I think we’re seeing in working mothers a change from “Thank God it’s Friday” to “Thank God it’s Monday.” If any working mother has not experienced that feeling, her children are not adolescent.” – Ann Diehl

“People want you to be a crazy, out-of-control teen brat. They want you miserable, just like them. They don’t want heroes; what they want is to see you fall.” – Leonardo DiCaprio

“You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.” – Dave Barry

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You should not confuse your career with life.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

A penny saved is worthless.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infants life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.

“Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.”

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, with only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

The problem with winter sports is that they generally take place in winter.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy the people who are not in them.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.  Very often that person is crazy.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.

Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true!

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

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Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. – Dave Barry

It’s hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women. – Scott Adams

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. – A Bit of Fry and Laurie

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: Fighting, fleeing, feeding and… mating. – Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. – Mark Twain

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. – William James

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? – Dick Cavett

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? – Unknown

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“People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.” -Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI.

“I’m not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.” -Noel Coward

“Drinking Light Beer is like having sex in a canoe…fucking close to water. – Unknown

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” -Frank Sinatra

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.” -Ernest Hemingway

“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” -W.C. Fields

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?” -Stephen Wright

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” -Benjamin Franklin

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” -Dave Barry

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” -Henny Youngman

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” -Jack Handy

“All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.” -Homer Simpson

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” -Dean Martin

“I drink to make other people interesting.” -George Jean Nathan

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.” -Dave Barry

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On how to make the game more exciting – Eliminate the referees, raise the basket four feet, double the size of the basketball, limit the height of the players to 5 feet 9 inches, bring back the center jump, allow taxi drivers in for free and allow the players to carry guns. – Al McGuire

Fans never fall asleep at our games because they’re afraid they might get hit with a pass. – George Raveling

Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don’t like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that. – Bill Shankly

I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either. – Dave Barry

Basketball is like photography, if you don’t focus, all you have is the negative. – Dan Frisby

The game is too long, the season is too long and the players are too long. – Jack Dolph (on basketball)

Even if you are on the right track… You’ll get run over if you just sit there! – Will Rogers

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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job. – Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? – Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer. – Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. – Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. – H. L. Mencken

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers. – P. J. O’Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. – Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. – Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

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- “A lot of people stop short. They don’t actually die but they say, ‘Right I’m old, and I’m going to retire,’ and then they dwindle into nothing. They go off to Florida and become jolly boring.” – Mary Wesley

- “A stair not worn hollow by footsteps is, regarded from its own point of view, only a boring something made of wood.” – Franz Kafka

- “Age shouldn’t affect you. It’s just like the size of your shoes – they don’t determine how you live your life! You’re either marvellous or you’re boring, regardless of your age.” – Steven Morrissey

- “All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.” – Chuck Palahniuk

- “All I really want to be is boring. When people talk about me, I’d like them to say, Carol’s basically a short Bill Bradley. Or, Carol’s kind of like Al Gore in a skirt.” – Carol Moseley Braun

- “American audiences are just the same as any other audiences. Except a bit more boring.” – Sid Vicious

- “An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring… I ought to know.” – Bette Davis

- “An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future generations.” – Charles de Montesquieu

- “An autobiography is a book a person writes about his own life and it is usually full of all sorts of boring details.” – Roald Dahl

- “And some poets are far better read off the page because they’re very bad speakers. I’m thinking of one in particular whom I won’t name, a good poet, and he reads in such a dry, boring way, your eyes start drooping.” – Norman MacCaig

- “And there are certain things, and they are evident, obviously, without being boring about it, but I mean obviously, the two evident and easy ones being Gandhi and Cry Freedom, there are things which I do care about very much and which I would like to stand up and be counted.” – Richard Attenborough

- “Any professional knows that the flute and the piano is a boring combination. All you’ve got to arrive at is a kind of typical gestural crap, right? You might agree, though you wouldn’t call it gestural crap.” – Morton Feldman

- “Any subject can be made interesting, and therefore any subject can be made boring.” – Hilaire Belloc

- “Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.” – Dave Barry

- “Basically, my life is so boring, it’s embarrassing.” – Hugh Grant

- “Beauty is only skin deep. If you go after someone just because she’s beautiful but don’t have anything to talk about, it’s going to get boring fast. You want to look beyond the surface and see if you can have fun or if you have anything in common with this person.” – Amanda Peet

- “Beauty without expression is boring.” – Waldo Emerson

- “Boring people are a reflection of boring people.” – Douglas Horton

- “Brittany Murphy… who knows if she’s going to be around. Kirsten Dunst, I think she’s really boring. Reese Witherspoon? She can open a movie.” – Jackie Collins

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