- “I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.”
- “I’d like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I’ll do that before I’m thirty.”
- “I’m 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I’m playing right where I’m supposed to be. I’m comfortable with that, but in the same breath I’d do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I’d do it.”
- “I’m relaxed about my career. I’ve been making movies for over 20 years, so I’ve earned at least the right to relax.”
- “I’ve always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.”
- “I’ve made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I’ve mostly been successful.”
- “If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.”
- “In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job.”
- “In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!”
- “The economy in Ireland has been rampaging ahead for the last 15 years. Barring an international, political or natural catastrophe, things can only get better for the Irish.”
- “The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood.”
- “You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don’t work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won’t work.”
- “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like……love!”
- “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.”
- “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding,«You’re making a scene.»”
- “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.”
- “How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”
- “All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”
- “Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”
- “If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.”
- “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”
- “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
- “If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?”
- “I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!”
- “Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all.”
- “Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.”
- “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
- “A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”
- “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”
- “Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.”
- “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”
- “An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven’t been done before.”
- “Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.”
- “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
- “By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity — another man’s I mean.”
- “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
- “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.”
- “Do something every day that you don’t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.”
- “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
- “Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”
- “Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.”
- “Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.”
- “Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn’t.”
- “Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”
- “Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.”
- “Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”
- “Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.”
- “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.”
- “I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”
- “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.”
- “I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.”
- “I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t.”
- “I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
- “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
- “I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.”
- “I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.”
- “I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?”
- “What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.”
- “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, «See if you can blow this out.»”
- “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”
- “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”
- “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”
- “Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?”
- “Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”
- “The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.”
- “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
- “I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, «Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.»”
- “See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.”
- “Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” – Steve Martin
- “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
- “I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal – high enough so you can look up her dress.” – Steve Martin
- “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin
- “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
- “Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.” – Steve Martin
- “A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.” – Steve Martin
- “You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.” – Steve Martin
- “I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there’s a game on.” – Steve Martin
- “There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.” – Steve Martin
- “There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they’ll talk back to you.” – Steve Martin
- “College totally changed my life. It changed what I believe and what I think about everything. I majored in philosophy.” – Steve Martin
- “I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.” – Steve Martin
- “I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.” – Steve Martin
- “We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.” – Steve Martin
- “If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer!” – Jim Carrey
- “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
- “People need motivation to do anything. I don’t think human beings learn anything without desperation. ” – Jim Carrey
- “I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don’t know if it’s possible forever and ever.” – Jim Carrey
- “Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.” – Jim Carrey
- “There is nothing like making love to somebody you give a shit about.” – Jim Carrey
- “I think I could go away tomorrow. I’ve already accomplished something. It’s such a selfish business that sometimes I get sick of myself.” – Jim Carrey
- “Either you’re the one erasing or you’re the one being erased.” – Jim Carrey
- “I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I’m just trying to create a good one for myself.” – Jim Carrey
- “My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.” – Jim Carrey
- “I got a lot of support from my parents. That’s the one thing I always appreciated. They didn’t tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.” – Jim Carrey
- “I want to be the greatest actor that ever lived, frankly. I’d love that. But I don’t need to be. I just want to be here. That’s it.” – Jim Carrey
- “When you’ve seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.” – Stephen Fry
- “Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties. ” – Stephen Fry
- “Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business – which at least does us all some good.” – Stephen Fry
- “I don’t watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.” – Stephen Fry
- “I could rent a room, paint it black, bolt on a few chains and call it my punishment room, Then have men in posing pouches in the background.” – Stephen Fry
- “An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.” – Stephen Fry
- “I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” – Stephen Fry
- “Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” – Benny Hill
- “Roses are reddish/ Violets are bluish/ If it weren’t for Christmas/ We’d all be Jewish.” – Benny Hill
- “I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.” – Benny Hill
- “The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.” – Benny Hill
- “I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: “Oh well,” and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.” – Benny Hill
- “We have a little bit of everything. We have entertainment in the bar, a pool room and kids menus, we have a comedy club that has been going on for years and we always do something special with that on New Year’s Eve.” – Benny Hill
- “That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.” – Benny Hill
- “Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.” – Benny Hill
- “Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?” – Benny Hill
- “Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.” – Robin Williams
- “What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.” – Robin Williams
- “God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.” – Robin Williams
- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
- “No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.” – Robin Williams
- “Spring is nature’s way of saying, Let’s party!” – Robin Williams
- “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” – Robin Williams
- “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” – Robin Williams
- “Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!” – Robin Williams
- “I’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.” – Robin Williams
- “Sometimes you’ve got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It’s called fun.” – Robin Williams