- “My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” – Spike Milligan
- “My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.” – Jay London
- “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres
- “My inner child is not wounded.” – Shannen Doherty
- “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers
- “Never fight an inanimate object.” – P. J. O’Rourke
- “Never floss with a stranger.” – Joan Rivers
- “Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck
- “Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.” – Robert Orben
- “Never wear anything that panics the cat.” – P. J. O’Rourke
- “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” – H. L. Mencken
- “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine
- “Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw
- “Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
- “One man’s folly is another man’s wife.” – Helen Rowland
- “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter
- “Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.” – Lewis Mumford
- “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” – Samuel Butler
- “Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.” – Chevy Chase
- “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” – Ellen DeGeneres
- “I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.” – Duffy Daugherty
- “On this team, we are all united in a common goal: to keep my job.” – Lou Holtz
- “If hockey fights were fake, you would see me in more of them.” – Rod Gilbert
- “The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.” – Spider Lockhart
- “Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.” – Shug Jordan
- “You can observe a lot just by watching.” – Yogi Berra
- “They say a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess that is better than kissing your brother.” – Lou Holtz
- “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. I just can’t figure out where else to play!” – Pat Williams
- “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it” – Unknown
- “The sun doesn’t shine on the same dog’s butt every day but we sure didn’t expect a total eclipse.” – Steve Sloan
- “I’d run over my mother to win the Super Bowl.” – Russ Grimm
- “They didn’t let me out, they just gave me a day pass.”
- “Anger is merely depression without enthusiasm.”
- “When God made man, she was only joking.”
- “I don’t drink; it dulls the drugs.”
- “God must love stupid people- he made so many!”
- “I like children. Properly cooked.”
- “Mirrors can’t talk. And lucky for you they can’t laugh.”
- “I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!”
- “Adults are just kids with money.”
- “TGIF- Thank God I’m female.”
- “Someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.”
- “Keep honking! I’m reloading!”
- “Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.”
- “Do unto others before they do unto you.”
- “Nothing is illegal until you get caught.”
- “Be nice to your kids, they’ll chose your nursing home.”
- “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
- “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
- “When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.”
- “Men are idiots and I married their king.”
- “You can pick your nose and pick your friends but you can’t wipe your friends on the couch.”
- “Behind every good man, there is a good woman. And behind every good woman, there’s another man looking at her butt.”
- “I see dumb people.”
- “Follow your dreams… except the one when you’re at school in your underwear.”
- “If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”
- “Behind every successful man, there is a surprised woman.”
- “The more I know about men, the more I admire dogs.”
- “They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.”
- “Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.”
- “If it weren’t for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.”
- “Who died and made you Darth Vader?”
- “Too many freaks, not enough circus’s!”
- “Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill.”
- “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”
- “I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!”
- “I’m not littering…. I’m donating to the earth.”
- “If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.”
- “DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.”
- “Your child may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.”
- “Doctors say I have a multiple personality, but we don’t agree with that.”
- “Don’t judge a book by its movie.”
- “Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.”
- “My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test.”
- “If you have something to say, raise your hand. Then place it over your mouth.”
- “Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.”
- “I’m the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.”
- “Boys will be boys … so will a lot of middle aged men.”
- “Why do people say “no offense” when they’re about to offend someone?”
- “If Harry Potter’s so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn’t need a broomstick to cling onto.” – Frankie Boyle
- “Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who’ll think he’s Tiger Woods.” – Frankie Boyle
- “A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.” – Unknown
- “It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it’s a depression when you lose yours.” – Harry S. Truman
- “Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world’s oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing – Gary Coleman is going to drown.” – Conan O’Brien
- “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightening and the lightening bug.” – Mark Twain
- “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
- “The first rule of baseball is to get a good ball to hit.” – Rogers Hornsby
- “The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing.” – German Proverb
- “The next best thing to winning is losing! At least you’ve been in the race.” – Nellie Hershey Tullis
- “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” – George Will
- “The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vidal Sassoon
- “The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” – Sarah Brown
- “The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.” – Thomas Holcroft
- “Some people develop a wish bone where their back bone should be.” – Unknown
- “Some people not only expect opportunity to knock, they expect it to beat down the door.” – Unknown
- “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” – Ambrose Bierce
- “Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.” – W. C. Fields
- “Success comes in cans, failure in can’ts.” – Unknown
- “Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.” – Earl Nightingale
- “The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.” – Arthur C. Clarke
- “The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.” – Robert Frost
- “The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.” – Al Neuharth
- “The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Unknown
- “I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.”
- “I’d like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I’ll do that before I’m thirty.”
- “I’m 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I’m playing right where I’m supposed to be. I’m comfortable with that, but in the same breath I’d do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I’d do it.”
- “I’m relaxed about my career. I’ve been making movies for over 20 years, so I’ve earned at least the right to relax.”
- “I’ve always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.”
- “I’ve made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I’ve mostly been successful.”
- “If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.”
- “In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job.”
- “In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!”
- “The economy in Ireland has been rampaging ahead for the last 15 years. Barring an international, political or natural catastrophe, things can only get better for the Irish.”
- “The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood.”
- “You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don’t work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won’t work.”
- “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like……love!”
- “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.”
- “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding,«You’re making a scene.»”
- “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.”
- “How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”
- “All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”
- “Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”
- “If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.”
- “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”
- “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
- “If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?”
- “I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!”
- “Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all.”
- “Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.”
- “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
- “A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”
- “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”
- “Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.”
- “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”
- “An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven’t been done before.”
- “Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.”
- “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
- “By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity — another man’s I mean.”
- “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
- “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.”
- “Do something every day that you don’t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.”
- “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
- “Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”
- “Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.”
- “Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.”
- “Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn’t.”
- “Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”
- “Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.”
- “Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”
- “Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.”
- “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.”
- “I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”
- “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.”
- “I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.”
- “I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t.”
- “I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
- “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
- “I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.”
- “I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.”
- “I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?”
- “What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.”
- “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, «See if you can blow this out.»”
- “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”
- “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”
- “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”
- “Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?”
- “Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”
- “The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.”
- “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
- “I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, «Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.»”
- “See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.”