Famous and Funny Quotes

Posted on December 27, 2010 by Grim Cris

- “The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once” – E. Joseph Cossman

- “Gray hair is God’s graffiti” – Bill Cosby

- “I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead” – Gabe Kaplan

- “Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris” – T. G. Appleton

- “We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back” – Bob Hope

- “I know lots more old drunks than old doctors” – Joe E. Lewis

- “My doctor said I look like a million dollars – green and wrinkled” – Red Skelton

- “Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus” – Bob Rubin

- “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill, he gave me six months more” – Walter Mattbau

- “I can’t believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest” – Steven Pearl

- “she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off.
he: I was, and I didn’t know it” – Jacob Braude
- “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband” – Michel de Montaigne

Extremely Funny Quotes

Posted on December 24, 2010 by Grim Cris

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Unknown

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils … – Louis Hector Berlioz

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives. – Unknown

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. – Unknown

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. – Unknown

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected! – Unknown

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Unknown

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Unknown

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from. – Unknown

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. – Unknown

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies. – Oliver Goldsmith

Funny Quotes

Posted on November 4, 2010 by Grim Cris

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. – Quentin Crisp

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job. – Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? – Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer. – Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. – Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. – H. L. Mencken

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers. – P. J. O’Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. – Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. – Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

George Carlin Quotes #3

Posted on September 14, 2010 by Grim Cris

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”

“What year did Jesus think it was?”

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”

“George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.”

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live”

“A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I’m messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.”

“No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.”

“If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.”

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!”

“Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.”

“The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”

Funny Quotes

Posted on March 11, 2010 by Grim Cris

- “My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” – Spike Milligan

- “My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.” – Jay London

- “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

- “My inner child is not wounded.” – Shannen Doherty

- “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers

- “Never fight an inanimate object.” – P. J. O’Rourke

- “Never floss with a stranger.” – Joan Rivers

- “Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck

- “Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.” – Robert Orben

- “Never wear anything that panics the cat.” – P. J. O’Rourke

- “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” – H. L. Mencken

- “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine

- “Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw

- “Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

- “One man’s folly is another man’s wife.” – Helen Rowland

- “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter

- “Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.” – Lewis Mumford

- “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” – Samuel Butler

- “Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.” – Chevy Chase

- “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” – Ellen DeGeneres

Funny Sports Quotes

Posted on February 14, 2010 by Grim Cris

- “I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.” – Duffy Daugherty

- “On this team, we are all united in a common goal: to keep my job.” – Lou Holtz

- “If hockey fights were fake, you would see me in more of them.” – Rod Gilbert

- “The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.” – Spider Lockhart

- “Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.” – Shug Jordan

- “You can observe a lot just by watching.” – Yogi Berra

- “They say a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess that is better than kissing your brother.” – Lou Holtz

- “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. I just can’t figure out where else to play!” – Pat Williams

- “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it” – Unknown

- “The sun doesn’t shine on the same dog’s butt every day but we sure didn’t expect a total eclipse.” – Steve Sloan

- “I’d run over my mother to win the Super Bowl.” – Russ Grimm

Funny Famous Quotes

Posted on February 13, 2010 by Grim Cris

- “If Harry Potter’s so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn’t need a broomstick to cling onto.” – Frankie Boyle

- “Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who’ll think he’s Tiger Woods.” – Frankie Boyle

- “A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.” – Unknown

- “It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it’s a depression when you lose yours.” – Harry S. Truman

- “Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world’s oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing – Gary Coleman is going to drown.” – Conan O’Brien

Funny Motivational Quotes

Posted on January 10, 2010 by Grim Cris

- “Some people develop a wish bone where their back bone should be.” – Unknown

- “Some people not only expect opportunity to knock, they expect it to beat down the door.” – Unknown

- “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” – Ambrose Bierce

- “Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.” – W. C. Fields

- “Success comes in cans, failure in can’ts.” – Unknown

- “Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.” – Earl Nightingale

- “The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.” – Arthur C. Clarke

- “The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.” – Robert Frost

- “The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.” – Al Neuharth

- “The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Unknown

Eddie Murphy Funny Quotes

Posted on November 2, 2009 by Grim Cris

eddie-murphy - “I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.”
- “I’d like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I’ll do that before I’m thirty.”
- “I’m 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I’m playing right where I’m supposed to be. I’m comfortable with that, but in the same breath I’d do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I’d do it.”
- “I’m relaxed about my career. I’ve been making movies for over 20 years, so I’ve earned at least the right to relax.”
- “I’ve always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.”

- “I’ve made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I’ve mostly been successful.”

- “If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.”

- “In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job.”

- “In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!”

- “The economy in Ireland has been rampaging ahead for the last 15 years. Barring an international, political or natural catastrophe, things can only get better for the Irish.”

- “The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood.”

- “You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don’t work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won’t work.”

Best Homer Simpson Funny Quotes

Posted on September 29, 2009 by Grim Cris

HomerSimpson - “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like……love!”
- “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.”
- “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding,«You’re making a scene.»”
- “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.”
- “How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”

- “All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”

- “Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”

- “If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.”

- “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”

- “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”

- “If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?”

- “I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!”

- “Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all.”

- “Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.”

- “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”