- “Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas.” – Esa Tikkannen, 1979
- “I am having an out of money experience.” – Unknown
- “The use of solar energy has not been opened up because the oil industry does not own the sun.” – Ralph Nader
- “The bicycle is the most efficient machine ever created: Converting calories into gas, a bicycle gets the equivalent of three thousand miles per gallon.” – Bill Strickland
- “Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence.” – Max Amsterdam
- “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” – Steven Wright
- “I figured out Karl Rove’s political strategy – make gas so expensive, no Democrats can afford to go to the polls.” – John Kerry
- “Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.” – George Carlin
- “It’s better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.” – Unknown
- “Even if gas prices fall, consumers will continue to be gouged at the pump. The only thing that we can be sure rises faster that the price of gasoline is the skyrocketing profits of oil companies.” – R. Owens
- “A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank.” – Unknown
- “If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” – George Gobel
- “Man is the animal that intends to shoot himself out into interplanetary space, after having given up on the problem of an efficient way to get himself five miles to work and back each day.” – Bill Vaughan
- “Walking isn’t a lost art – one must, by some means, get to the garage.” – Evan Esar
- “The shortest distance between two points is under construction.” – Noelie Altito
- “Restore human legs as a means of travel. Pedestrians rely on food for fuel and need no special parking facilities.” – Lewis Mumford
- “In the old days a man who saved money was a miser; nowadays he’s a wonder.” – Unknown
- “Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.” – Adrienne Gusoff
- “An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
- “Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
- “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein
- “Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.” – Unknown
- “You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.” – Unknown
- “The four most important words in any marriage…«I’ll do the dishes.»” – Unknown
- “No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.” – Unknown
- “Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.” – Unknown
- “When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.” – Unknown
- “Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!” – Unknown
- “You can’t buy love on eBay.” – Unknown
- “If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?” – Bette Midler
- “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” – Brendan Francis
- “Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” – Cathy Carlyle
- “Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.” – Cecilia Egan
- “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.” – Cher
- “Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.” – Cher
- “By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.” – Dorothy Parker
- “I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.” – Dudley Moore
- “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Erma Bombeck
- “Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.” – Fran Lebowitz
- “It is impossible to love and be wise.” – Francis Bacon
- “Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
- “Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.” – Fulton J. Sheen
- “Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.” – George Carlin
- “Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.” – Glenn Beck
- “I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
- “To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.” – Helen Rowland
- “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” – Henry Kissinger
- “When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.
And she never did.” – James Fineous McBride
- “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” – Jean Kerr
- “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford
- “It’s been so long since I made love,
I can’t even remember who gets tied up.” – Joan Rivers
- “Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.” – Joan Rivers
- “You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.” – Jonathan Carroll
- “No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along.” – Joyce Brothers
- “If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.” – Katharine Hepburn
- “True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.” – La Rochefoucauld
- “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” – Lily Tomlin
- “The only people who make love all the time are liars.” – Louis Jordan
- “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.” – Natalie Wood
- “Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Love is a grave mental disease.” – Plato
- “Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?” – Rita Rudner
- “Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.” – Sandra J. Dykes
- “All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.” – Shelley Winters
- “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
- “A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.” – Thomas Hardy
- “Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.” – Tommy Dewar
- “Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.” – W. Somerset Maugham
- “I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” – Walt Disney
- “Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” – Woody Allen
- “The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.” – Woody Allen
- “Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.” – Woody Allen
- “God’s promises are like the stars; the darker the night the brighter they shine.” – David Nicholas
- “Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” – Edna St. Vincent Millay
- “Dreams permit each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.” – William Dement
- “Heights by great men reached and kept were not obtained by sudden flight but, while their companions slept, they were toiling upward in the night.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
- “A true man does not need to romance a different girl every night, a true man romances the same girl for the rest of her life.” – Ana Alas
- “Night time is really the best time to work. All the ideas are there to be yours because everyone else is asleep.” – Catherine O’Hara
- “There they stand, the innumerable stars, shining in order like a living hymn, written in light.” – N.P. Willis
- “I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day.” – Vincent Van Gogh
- “The night walked down the sky with the moon in her hand.” – Frederick L. Knowles
- “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.” – George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997
- “Most glorious night!
Thou wert not sent for slumber!” – Lord Byron, Childe Harold
- “Night is a world lit by itself.” – Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin
- “Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
- “By night, an atheist half believes in God.” – Edward Young, Night Thoughts
- “O radiant Dark! O darkly fostered ray!
Thou hast a joy too deep for shallow Day.” – George Eliot, The Spanish Gypsy
- “Moonlight is sculpture.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne
- “Research is the name given the crystal formed when the night’s worry is added to the day’s sweat.” – Martin H. Fischer
- “Twilight drops her curtain down, and pins it with a star.” – Lucy Maud Montgomery
- “Silently, one by one, in the infinite meadows of heaven,
Blossomed the lovely stars, the forget-me-nots of the angels.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Evangeline
- “What I take from my nights, I add to my days.” – Leon de Rotrou, Vencelas
- “Mine is the night, with all her stars.” – Edward Young
- “I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, «I’d like some fries.» The girl at the counter said, «Would you like some fries with that?»” – Jay Leno)
- “My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.” – Roseanne
- “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen
- “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
- “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.” – Woody Allen
- “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” – George Carlin
- “Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!” – George Carlin
- “You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.” – Dave Chappelle
- “I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.” – Dave Chappelle
- “A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby
- “To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing.” – Billy Crystal
- “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” – Steven Wright
- “Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.” – Carrie Snow
- “I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.” – Eddie Izzard
- “If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” – George Gobel
- “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin
- “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” – Jerry Seinfeld
- “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.” – Chris Rock
1. “Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back” – Unknown
2. “Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.” – Unknown
3. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Unknown
4. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
5. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer Simpson
6. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Whitney Brown
7. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein
8. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one is carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld
9. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like «Psychic Wins Lottery» ?” – Jay Leno
10. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” – George W. Bush
11. “Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy
12. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” – Albert Einstein
13. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
14. “Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.” – Chris Rock
15. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld
16. “Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.” – John Peers
17. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
18. “Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson
19. “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” – Bill Cosbey
20. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” – George Carlin
21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill
22. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain
23. “If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.” – Tommy Lasorda
24. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright
25. “You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.” – Homer J. Simpson
26. “Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.” – Voltaire
27. “When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.” – Burt Reynolds
28. “Absence — that common cure of love.” – Miguel De Cervantes
29. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson
30. “It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.” – Weinberg
31. “As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.” – Socrates
32. “A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” – Helen Rowland
33. “Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Cordel Hull
34. “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill
35. “There are three faithful friends — an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” – Benjamin Franklin
36. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.” – Franklin P. Jones
37. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner
38. “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not «Eureka!» (I found it!) but «That’s funny …» ” – Isaac Asimov
39. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
40. “Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen
41. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” – Robert Frost
42. “The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
43. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
44. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
45. “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” – Mae West
46. “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
47. “Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” – George Bernard Shaw
48. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen
49. “All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.” – Miguel De Cervantes
50. “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers