The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating… and you finish off as an orgasm. – George Carlin

Truth, in its struggles for recognition, passes through four distinct stages. First, we say it is damnable, dangerous, disorderly, and will surely disrupt society. Second, we declare it is heretical, infidelic and contrary to the Bible. Third, we say it is really a matter of no importance either one way or the other. Fourth, we aver that we have always upheld it and believed it. – Elbert Hubbard

Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. – Voltaire

My country is the world, and my religion is to do good. – Thomas Paine

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. – Louis Hector Berlioz

Once the game is over, the King and the Pawn go back in the same box. – Italian Proverb

I would love to believe that when I die I will live again, that some thinking, feeling, remembering part of me will continue. But much as I want to believe that, and despite the ancient and worldwide cultural traditions that assert an afterlife, I know of nothing to suggest that it is more than wishful thinking. The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides. – Carl Sagan

Which is it, is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s? – Nietzsche

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. – Napoleon

The ink of the scholar is holier than the blood of the martyr. – Prophet Muhammad

I like your Christ; I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. – Mohandas Gandhi

Lighthouses are more helpful then churches. – Benjamin Franklin

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. – George Bernard Shaw

Morality is doing what is right regardless of what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, regardless of what is right. – Anonymous

It is always darkest just before the day dawneth. – Thomas Fuller, 1650

Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. – Unknown

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Every day is Earth Day. ~Author Unknown

I conceive that the land belongs to a vast family of which many are dead, few are living, and countless numbers are still unborn. ~A Chieftan from Nigeria

We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children. ~Native American Proverb

There are no passengers on Spaceship Earth. We are all crew. ~Marshall McLuhan, 1964

Thank God men cannot fly, and lay waste the sky as well as the earth. ~Henry David Thoreau

There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all. ~Robert Orben

I’m not an environmentalist. I’m an Earth warrior. ~Darryl Cherney, quoted in Smithsonian, April 1990

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. ~Bill Vaughn, quoted in Jon Winokur, The Portable Curmudgeon, 1987

For 200 years we’ve been conquering Nature. Now we’re beating it to death. ~Tom McMillan, quoted in Francesca Lyman, The Greenhouse Trap, 1990

I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in. ~John Muir, 1913, in L.M. Wolfe, ed., John Muir, John of the Mountains: The Unpublished Journals of John Muir, 1938

I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority. ~Elwyn Brooks White, Essays of E.B. White, 1977

A living planet is a much more complex metaphor for deity than just a bigger father with a bigger fist. If an omniscient, all-powerful Dad ignores your prayers, it’s taken personally. Hear only silence long enough, and you start wondering about his power. His fairness. His very existence. But if a world mother doesn’t reply, Her excuse is simple. She never claimed conceited omnipotence. She has countless others clinging to her apron strings, including myriad species unable to speak for themselves. To Her elder offspring She says – go raid the fridge. Go play outside. Go get a job. Or, better yet, lend me a hand. I have no time for idle whining. ~David Brin

Till now man has been up against Nature; from now on he will be up against his own nature. ~Dennis Gabor, Inventing the Future, 1963

Take nothing but pictures.
Leave nothing but footprints.
Kill nothing but time. ~Motto of the Baltimore Grotto, a caving society

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect. ~Chief Seattle, 1855

Man must feel the earth to know himself and recognize his values…. God made life simple. It is man who complicates it. ~Charles A. Lindbergh, Reader’s Digest, July 1972

After a visit to the beach, it’s hard to believe that we live in a material world. ~Pam Shaw

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature’s peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves. ~John Muir

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. ~George Carlin

Environmentalists have long been fond of saying that the sun is the only safe nuclear reactor, situated as it is some ninety-three million miles away. ~Stephanie Mills, ed., In Praise of Nature, 1990

Humanity is on the march, earth itself is left behind. ~David Ehrenfeld, The Arrogance of Humanism, 1978

It is the safest of times, it is the riskiest of times…. What the Dickens is going on here? ~Denton Morrison, on chemicals, technology, and risk, quoted in National Academy of Sciences, Improving Risk Communication, 1989

Never does nature say one thing and wisdom another. ~Juvenal, Satires

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more. ~George Gordon, Lord Byron, Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage

There is hope if people will begin to awaken that spiritual part of themselves, that heartfelt knowledge that we are caretakers of this planet. ~Brooke Medicine Eagle

You can’t be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of subversion or challenge the ideology of a violet. ~Hal Borland, Sundial of the Seasons, 1964

And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything. ~William Shakespeare

Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise we cannot eat money. ~Cree Indian Proverb

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Have you ever noticed? Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster is a moron. – George Carlin

There is no cure for human stupidity. We might as well work it to our advantage! –Unknown

The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws. — Tacitus

Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest — Diderot

If ignorance is bliss, then why aren’t more people happy? — Unknown

Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality. — Dali Lama

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I shall tell you a great secret my friend. Do not wait for the last judgement, it takes place every day. – Albert Camus

You should always take the best from the past, leave the worst back there and go forward into the future. -Bob Dylan

Happiness depends upon ourselves. -Aristotle

Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value. -Albert Einstein

He who cannot be a good follower cannot be a good leader -Aristotle

I want freedom for the full expression of my personality. -Mahatma Gandhi

Nature does nothing uselessly. -Aristotle

He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. -Benjamin Franklin

The most important human endeavor is the striving for morality in our actions. Our inner balance and even our very existence depend on it. Only morality in our actions can give beauty and dignity to life. -Einstein

You must be the change you want to see in the world. -Ghandi

I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self. -Aristotle

We are disturbed not by events, but by the views that we take of them -Epictetus

“First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win.” -Ghandi

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. -Benjamin Franklin

Imagination is more important than knowledge. -Albert Einstein

Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. -Aristotle

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. -Mahatma Gandhi

If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales -Einstein

The educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living from the dead. -Aristotle

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. -Isaac Asimov

The resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad. -Friedrich Nietzsche

There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. -George Bernard Shaw

We are what we repeatedly do. -Aristotle

Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today. -Benjamin Franklin

Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices. -Benjamin Franklin

I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it. -Rita Mae Brown

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Humankind has not woven the web of life.
We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves.
All things are bound together.
All things connect.
We are a part of the earth and it is part of us. -Chief Seattle

The price of greatness is responsibility. -Churchill

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelou

Alice came to a fork in the road. “Which road do I take?” she asked.
“Where do you want to go?” responded the Cheshire cat.
“I don’t know,” Alice answered.
“Then,” said the cat, “it doesn’t matter.” ~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. -Ludwig Börne

I am a part of all that I have seen. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies. -Friedrich Nietzsche

One ought to hold on to one’s heart; for if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head too.  -Friedrich Nietzsche

Peace is the diploma you get in the cemetery. – Peter Tosh

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. – Peter Tosh

I think it is better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should be maleable and progressive, working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas cannot generate. Life becomes stagnant. -George Carlin

Our outlook on life is a kind of paintbrush, and with it we paint our world. It can be bright and filled with hope and satisfaction, or it can be dark and gloomy. – Earl Nightingale

Our environment, the world in which we find ourselves living and working, is a mirror of our attitudes and expectations. – Earl Nightingale

Only after the last tree has been cut down
Only after the last river has been poisoned
Only after the last fish has been caught
Only then will you find you cannot eat money -Cree Prophecy

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It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up. – Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. – Joan Rivers

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. – Jonathan Carroll

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along. – Joyce Brothers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. – Katharine Hepburn

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one. – La Rochefoucauld

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. – Lily Tomlin

The only people who make love all the time are liars. – Louis Jordan

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. – Natalie Wood

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman. – Oscar Wilde

Love is a grave mental disease. – Plato

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with? – Rita Rudner

Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate. – Sandra J. Dykes

All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems. – Shelley Winters

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. – Steve Martin

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all. – Thomas Hardy

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions. – Tommy Dewar

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. – W. Somerset Maugham

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. – Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best. – Woody Allen

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- “Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” – Edna St. Vincent Millay

- “Dreams permit each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.” – William Dement

- “Heights by great men reached and kept were not obtained by sudden flight but, while their companions slept, they were toiling upward in the night.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

- “A true man does not need to romance a different girl every night, a true man romances the same girl for the rest of her life.” – Ana Alas

- “Night time is really the best time to work. All the ideas are there to be yours because everyone else is asleep.” – Catherine O’Hara

- “There they stand, the innumerable stars, shining in order like a living hymn, written in light.” – N.P. Willis

- “I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day.” – Vincent Van Gogh

- “The night walked down the sky with the moon in her hand.” – Frederick L. Knowles

- “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.” – George Carlin, Brain Droppings, 1997

- “Most glorious night!
Thou wert not sent for slumber!” – Lord Byron, Childe Harold

- “Night is a world lit by itself.” – Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

- “Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

- “By night, an atheist half believes in God.” – Edward Young, Night Thoughts

- “O radiant Dark! O darkly fostered ray!
Thou hast a joy too deep for shallow Day.” – George Eliot, The Spanish Gypsy

- “Moonlight is sculpture.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne

- “Research is the name given the crystal formed when the night’s worry is added to the day’s sweat.” – Martin H. Fischer

- “Twilight drops her curtain down, and pins it with a star.” – Lucy Maud Montgomery

- “Silently, one by one, in the infinite meadows of heaven,
Blossomed the lovely stars, the forget-me-nots of the angels.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Evangeline

- “What I take from my nights, I add to my days.” – Leon de Rotrou, Vencelas

- “Mine is the night, with all her stars.” – Edward Young

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An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. – Anonymous

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty. – Anonymous

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.” – Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. – Anonymous

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way. – Anonymous

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires. – Anonymous

Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say! – Anonymous

You can’t buy love on eBay. – Anonymous

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? – Bette Midler

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. – Brendan Francis

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. – Cathy Carlyle

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter. – Cecilia Egan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him. – Cher

Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries. – Cher

By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying. – Dorothy Parker

I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands. – Dudley Moore

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. – Fran Lebowitz

It is impossible to love and be wise. – Francis Bacon

Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. – Fulton J. Sheen

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. – George Carlin

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. – Glenn Beck

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. – Helen Rowland

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. – Henry Kissinger

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.” And she never did. – James Fineous McBride

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. – Jean Kerr

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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job. – Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? – Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer. – Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. – Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. – H. L. Mencken

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers. – P. J. O’Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. – Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. – Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

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“Peace begins with a smile.” – Mother Teresa

“Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.” – Albert Einstein

“Peace is its own reward.” – Mohandas Gandhi

“If you want to make peace, you don’t talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.” – Moshe Dayan

“The only alternative to coexistence is codestruction.” – Jawaharlal Nehru

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin

“Where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace.” – Dalai Lama

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” – Buddha

“It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

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- “A true friend stabs you in the front.” – Oscar Wilde

- “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

- “I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.” – Oscar Wilde

- “It is a great confidence in a friend to tell him your faults; greater to tell him his.” – Benjamin Franklin

- “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer

- “Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.” – Anonymous

- “A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.” – Doug Larson

- “Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.” – Anonymous

- “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

- “Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.” – Anonymous

- “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

- “Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

- “Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” – Anonymous

- “A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.” – Erma Bombeck

- “A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend – and he’s a priest.” – Erma Bombeck

- “One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.” – Clifton Fadiman

- “Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.” – Lord Chesterfield

- “A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.” – Anonymous

- “A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.” – Abraham Lincoln

- “Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.” – Peter Ustinov

- “Friends are the siblings God never gave us.” – Mencius

- “One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.” – George Carlin

- “A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying “boy was that fun.”" – The Maugles

- “Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.” – Samuel Butler

- “Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.” – Horace Walpole

- “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman

- “I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.” – Mark Twain

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