- “I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, «I’d like some fries.» The girl at the counter said, «Would you like some fries with that?»” – Jay Leno)
- “My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.” – Roseanne
- “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen
- “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
- “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.” – Woody Allen
- “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” – George Carlin
- “Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!” – George Carlin
- “You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.” – Dave Chappelle
- “I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.” – Dave Chappelle
- “A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby
- “To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing.” – Billy Crystal
- “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” – Steven Wright
- “Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.” – Carrie Snow
- “I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.” – Eddie Izzard
- “If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” – George Gobel
- “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin
- “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” – Jerry Seinfeld
- “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.” – Chris Rock
- “I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?”
- “What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.”
- “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, «See if you can blow this out.»”
- “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”
- “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”
- “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”
- “Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?”
- “Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”
- “The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.”
- “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
- “I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, «Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.»”
- “See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.”
1. “Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back” – Unknown
2. “Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.” – Unknown
3. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Unknown
4. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
5. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer Simpson
6. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Whitney Brown
7. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein
8. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one is carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld
9. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like «Psychic Wins Lottery» ?” – Jay Leno
10. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” – George W. Bush
11. “Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy
12. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” – Albert Einstein
13. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
14. “Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.” – Chris Rock
15. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld
16. “Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.” – John Peers
17. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
18. “Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson
19. “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” – Bill Cosbey
20. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” – George Carlin
21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill
22. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain
23. “If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.” – Tommy Lasorda
24. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright
25. “You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.” – Homer J. Simpson
26. “Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.” – Voltaire
27. “When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.” – Burt Reynolds
28. “Absence — that common cure of love.” – Miguel De Cervantes
29. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson
30. “It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.” – Weinberg
31. “As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.” – Socrates
32. “A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” – Helen Rowland
33. “Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Cordel Hull
34. “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill
35. “There are three faithful friends — an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” – Benjamin Franklin
36. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.” – Franklin P. Jones
37. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner
38. “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not «Eureka!» (I found it!) but «That’s funny …» ” – Isaac Asimov
39. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
40. “Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen
41. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” – Robert Frost
42. “The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
43. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
44. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
45. “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” – Mae West
46. “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
47. “Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” – George Bernard Shaw
48. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen
49. “All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.” – Miguel De Cervantes
50. “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers