- “My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.” – Tim Allen
- “The more I know about men the more I like dogs.” – Gloria Allred
- “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house.” – Jean Kerr
- “Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.” – Maryon Pearson
- “I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance — a sharp, vindictive glance.” – James Thurber
- “Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.” – Oscar Wilde
- “The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.” – Jeanne-Marie Roland
- “On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.” – Bruce Willis
- “Why can’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them!” – Kathy Lette
- “Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” – Kathy Lette
- “Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.” – Kathy Lette
- “Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.” – Will Rogers
- “Man has will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
1. “I am who I choose to be” – Lois McMaster Bujold
2. “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” – Lao Tzu
3. “Money won’t make you happy… but everybody wants to find out for themselves” – Zig Ziglar
4. “One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. «Which road do I take?», she asked. «Where do you want to go?», was his response. «I don’t know», Alice answered. «Then, said the cat, it doesn’t matter»” – Lewis Carrol
5. “It doesn’t matter where you are coming from. All that matters is where you are going” – Brian Tracy
6. “Continuous effort – not strength or intelligence – is the key to unlocking our potential” – Winston Churchill
7. “Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs” – Henry Ford
8. “The future is always beginning now” – Mark Strand
9. “No man is rich enough to buy back his past” – Oscar Wilde
10. “If experience was so important, we’d never have had anyone walk on the moon” – Doug Rader
“The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple” – Oscar Wilde
- “Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” – Bill Maher
- “A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.” – Carrie Snow
- “You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping.” – Cindy Crawford
- “Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.” – Laurence J. Peter
- “The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.” – Unknown
- “A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.” – Arnold Haultain
- “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” – Charlotte Whitton
- “Women are always beautiful.” – Ville Valo
- “The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.” – Ellery Queen
- “Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.” – Mae West
- “Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” – Nicole Hollander
- “Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.” – Unknown
- “Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage.” – Jules Barbey d’Aurevilly
- “A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.” – Chauncey Mitchell Depew
- “The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself.” – Elizabeth Metcalf
- “There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.” – Madeleine K. Albright
- “A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.” – Oscar Wilde
- “There’s something luxurious about having a girl light your cigarette. In fact, I got married once on account of that.” – Harold Robbins
- “When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.” – Unknown
- “Men get laid, but women get screwed.” – Quentin Crisp
- “The most popular image of the female despite the exigencies of the clothing trade is all boobs and buttocks, a hallucinating sequence of parabolae and bulges.” – Germaine Greer
- “Whether they give or refuse, it delights women just the same to have been asked.” – Ovid
- “Howiver, I’m not denyin’ the women are foolish: God Almighty made ‘em to match the men.” – George Eliot, “The Harvest Supper”, Adam Bede
- “Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.” – W.C. Fields
- “Women really do rule the world. They just haven’t figured it out yet. When they do, and they will, we’re all in big big trouble.” – Doctor Leon
- “Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures.” – Henry Ward Beecher
- “Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
- “Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.” – Pablo Picasso
- “Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.” – Twyla Tharp
- “The aim of every artist is to arrest motion, which is life, by artificial means and hold it fixed so that a hundred years later, when a stranger looks at it, it moves again since it is life.” – William Faulkner
- “Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.” – Pablo Picasso
- “Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one.” – Stella Adler
- “Painting is silent poetry.” – Plutarch
- “Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.” – Leonardo da Vinci
- “It has been said that art is a tryst, for in the joy of it maker and beholder meet.” – Kojiro Tomita
- “Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in.” – Amy Lowell
- “To send light into the darkness of men’s hearts – such is the duty of the artist.” – Schumann
- “We all know that Art is not truth. Art is a lie that makes us realize truth, at least the truth that is given us to understand. The artist must know the manner whereby to convince others of the truthfulness of his lies.” – Pablo Picasso
- “I don’t paint things. I only paint the difference between things.” – Henri Matisse
- “The artist uses the talent he has, wishing he had more talent. The talent uses the artist it has, wishing it had more artist.” – Robert Brault
- “An artist cannot fail; it is a success to be one.” – Charles Horton Cooley
- “Every creator painfully experiences the chasm between his inner vision and its ultimate expression.” – Isaac Bashevis Singer
- “To make us feel small in the right way is a function of art; men can only make us feel small in the wrong way.” – E.M. Forster, Two Cheers for Democracy, 1951
- “Art is the stored honey of the human soul, gathered on wings of misery and travail.” – Theodore Dreiser
- “The artist’s world is limitless. It can be found anywhere, far from where he lives or a few feet away. It is always on his doorstep.” – Paul Strand
- “All art requires courage.” – Anne Tucker
- “Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Painting is easy when you don’t know how, but very difficult when you do.” – Edgar Degas
- “It is a mistake for a sculptor or a painter to speak or write very often about his job. It releases tension needed for his work.” – Henry Moore
- “Pictures must not be too picturesque.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
- “Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better.” – André Gide
- “Anyone who says you can’t see a thought simply doesn’t know art.” – Wynetka Ann Reynolds
- “But that’s what being an artist is – feeling crummy before everyone else feels crummy.” – The New Yorker
- “Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.” – Adrienne Gusoff
- “An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
- “Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
- “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein
- “Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.” – Unknown
- “You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.” – Unknown
- “The four most important words in any marriage…«I’ll do the dishes.»” – Unknown
- “No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.” – Unknown
- “Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.” – Unknown
- “When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.” – Unknown
- “Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!” – Unknown
- “You can’t buy love on eBay.” – Unknown
- “If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?” – Bette Midler
- “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” – Brendan Francis
- “Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” – Cathy Carlyle
- “Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.” – Cecilia Egan
- “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.” – Cher
- “Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.” – Cher
- “By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.” – Dorothy Parker
- “I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.” – Dudley Moore
- “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Erma Bombeck
- “Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.” – Fran Lebowitz
- “It is impossible to love and be wise.” – Francis Bacon
- “Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
- “Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.” – Fulton J. Sheen
- “Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.” – George Carlin
- “Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.” – Glenn Beck
- “I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
- “To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.” – Helen Rowland
- “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” – Henry Kissinger
- “When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.
And she never did.” – James Fineous McBride
- “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” – Jean Kerr
- “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford
- “It’s been so long since I made love,
I can’t even remember who gets tied up.” – Joan Rivers
- “Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.” – Joan Rivers
- “You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.” – Jonathan Carroll
- “No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along.” – Joyce Brothers
- “If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.” – Katharine Hepburn
- “True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.” – La Rochefoucauld
- “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” – Lily Tomlin
- “The only people who make love all the time are liars.” – Louis Jordan
- “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.” – Natalie Wood
- “Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Love is a grave mental disease.” – Plato
- “Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?” – Rita Rudner
- “Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.” – Sandra J. Dykes
- “All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.” – Shelley Winters
- “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
- “A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.” – Thomas Hardy
- “Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.” – Tommy Dewar
- “Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.” – W. Somerset Maugham
- “I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” – Walt Disney
- “Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” – Woody Allen
- “The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.” – Woody Allen
- “Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.” – Woody Allen
- “If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably never do much of anything.” – Win Borden
- “He lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realise.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Fear of failure must never be a reason not to try something.” – Frederick Smith
- “The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.” – Michelangelo
- “Live every moment in the present. Do it. Risk it. Buy it if you love it. Loving well takes practice, delicious practice. If it feels good, it must be good.” – Gael Greene
- “If we listened to our intellect, we’d never have a love affair. We’d never have a friendship. We’d never go into business, because we’d be too cynical. Well, that’s nonsense. You’ve got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.” – Annie Dillard
- “Great deeds are usually wrought at great risks.” – Herodotus
- “If music be the food of love, play on; /Give me excess of it that, surfeiting, / The appetite may sicken and so die.” – Shakespeare
- “There is only one better thing than music – live music.” – Jacek Bukowski
- “After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” – Aldous Huxley
- “Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.” – George Bernard Shaw
- “I hate music, especially when it’s played.” – Jimmy Durante
- “I think I should have no other mortal wants, if I could always have plenty of music. It seems to infuse strength into my limbs and ideas into my brain. Life seems to go on without effort, when I am filled with music.” – George Eliot
- “Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.” – Victor Hugo
- “Music is a discipline, and a mistress of order and good manners, she makes the people milder and gentler, more moral and more reasonable.” – Martin Luther
- “Music is what I love and it’s what I feel and it’s in me and to know that I can do something that I enjoy and hopefully bring some enjoyment to other people through is an incredible felling and I am just really thankful for it.” – Mariah Carey
- “Music makes one feel so romantic – at least it always gets on one’s nerves – which is the same thing nowadays.” – Oscar Wilde
- “There is no feeling, except the extremes of fear and grief, that does not find relief in music.” – George Eliot
- “The whole problem can be stated quite simply by asking, «Is there a meaning to music?» My answer would be, «Yes.» And «Can you state in so many words what the meaning is?» My answer to that would be, «No.»” – Aaron Copland
- “By taking a second wife he pays the highest compliment to the first, by showing that she made him so happy as a married man, that he wishes to be so a second time.” – Samuel Johnson
- “Use, do not abuse; neither abstinence nor excess ever renders man happy. ” – Voltaire
- “If you want to be happy, be.” – Leo Tolstoy
- “When we are happy we are always good, but when we are good we are not always happy.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Money never made a man happy yet, nor will it. There is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more a man has, the more he wants. Instead of filling a vacuum, it makes one.” – Benjamin Franklin
- “If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” – Albert Einstein
- “Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.” – Leon Joseph Cardinal Suenens
- “A joyful heart is the inevitable result of a heart burning with love.” – Mother Teresa
- “Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.” – Francesca Reigler
- “Our happiness is greatest when we contribute most to the happiness of others.” – Harriet Shepard
- “Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.” – Marcus Aurelius
- “Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.” – G. K. Chesterton
- “There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those.” – Mother Teresa
- “I have no name: I am but two days old. What shall I call thee? I happy am, Joy is my name. Sweet joy befall thee!” – William Blake
1. “Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back” – Unknown
2. “Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.” – Unknown
3. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Unknown
4. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
5. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer Simpson
6. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Whitney Brown
7. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein
8. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one is carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld
9. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like «Psychic Wins Lottery» ?” – Jay Leno
10. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” – George W. Bush
11. “Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy
12. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” – Albert Einstein
13. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
14. “Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.” – Chris Rock
15. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld
16. “Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.” – John Peers
17. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
18. “Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson
19. “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” – Bill Cosbey
20. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” – George Carlin
21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill
22. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain
23. “If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.” – Tommy Lasorda
24. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright
25. “You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.” – Homer J. Simpson
26. “Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.” – Voltaire
27. “When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.” – Burt Reynolds
28. “Absence — that common cure of love.” – Miguel De Cervantes
29. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson
30. “It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.” – Weinberg
31. “As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.” – Socrates
32. “A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” – Helen Rowland
33. “Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Cordel Hull
34. “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill
35. “There are three faithful friends — an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” – Benjamin Franklin
36. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.” – Franklin P. Jones
37. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner
38. “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not «Eureka!» (I found it!) but «That’s funny …» ” – Isaac Asimov
39. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
40. “Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen
41. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” – Robert Frost
42. “The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
43. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
44. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
45. “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” – Mae West
46. “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
47. “Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” – George Bernard Shaw
48. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen
49. “All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.” – Miguel De Cervantes
50. “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers