Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

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Jack Handy Funny Quotes #2

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done “wiping?”

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Put on your seatbelt….. I wanna try something.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.

Death is hereditary.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Jack Handy QuotesMultitasking – screwing up several things at once.

Arachibutyrophobia : fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable – until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it’s head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said “Watch for Rocks.” Marta said it should read “Watch for Pretty Rocks.” I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke – just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I’ll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn’t get more meat, I’ll just say, “Oh, you mean this?” and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I’ve hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Best Friendship Sayings ever

“A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure.”

“Having someone who understands is a great blessing for ourselves. Being someone who understands is a great blessing to others.”

“A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope.”

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

Best Friendship Quotes“A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.”

“A hug is worth a thousand words. A friend is worth more.”

“Best friends are like diamonds, precious and rare false friends are like leaves, found everywhere.”

“A good friend is hard to find, hard to lose, and impossible to forget…”

“Money might make you wealthy, but true friends makes you rich.”

“A friend is like a rainbow. They brighten your life when you’ve been through a storm.”

“Friendship isn’t a big thing – it’s a million little things.”

“If you’re alone, I’ll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I’ll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I’ll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I’ll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I’ll just be me.”

“The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you’ve had.”

“A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should.”

“There comes a point in your life when you realize who really matters, who never did, and who always will.”

“A friend is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else.”

“You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

“A friend is someone who sees through you and still enjoys the view.”

“Together forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but never in heart.”

“True friendship isn’t seen with the eyes, it’s felt with the heart.”

Johnny Depp Quotes

– “Am I a romantic? I’ve seen Wuthering Heights ten times. I’m a romantic.”
– “Anything I’ve done up till May 27th 1999 was kind of an illusion, existing without living. My daughter, the birth of my daughter, gave me life.”
– “As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fitted in because he never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition too.”
– “France, and the whole of Europe have a great culture and an amazing history. Most important thing though is that people there know how to live! In America they’ve forgotten all about it. I’m afraid that the American culture is a disaster.”

– “How many chances to you get to make a musical about a serial killer? The minute Tim Burton approached me, I was in.”

– “I am doing things that are true to me. The only thing I have a problem with is being labeled.”

– “I don’t pretend to be captain weird. I just do what I do.”

– “I guess I’m attracted to these off beat roles because my life has been a bit abnormal. The only thing I have a problem with is being labeled.”

– “I may have a feather duster down my pants.”

– “I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.”

– “I remember in that red leisure suit I sort of felt like a Pizza Hut employee, and the white one was the ultimate, with the white turtleneck collar, that was the ultimate in bad taste.”

– “I think everybody’s nuts.”

– “I think the thing to do is enjoy the ride while you’re on it.”

– “I was ecstatic they re-named ‘French Fries’ as ‘Freedom Fries’. Grown men and women in positions of power in the U.S. government showing themselves as idiots.”

– “I’m an old-fashioned guy… I want to be an old man with a beer belly sitting on a porch, looking at a lake or something.”

– “I’m not sure I’m adult yet.”

– “I’m shy, paranoid, whatever word you want to use. I hate fame. I’ve done everything I can to avoid it.”

– “If there’s any message to my work, it is ultimately that it’s OK to be different, that it’s good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgment on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color.”

– “If you catch me saying ‘I am a serious actor,’ I beg you to slap me.”

– “It’s all kinds of these profound things crashing on you when your child arrives into the world. It’s like you’ve met your reason to live.”