- “Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.” – Adrienne Gusoff
- “An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
- “Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
- “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein
- “Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.” – Unknown
- “You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.” – Unknown
- “The four most important words in any marriage…«I’ll do the dishes.»” – Unknown
- “No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.” – Unknown
- “Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.” – Unknown
- “When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.” – Unknown
- “Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!” – Unknown
- “You can’t buy love on eBay.” – Unknown
- “If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?” – Bette Midler
- “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” – Brendan Francis
- “Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” – Cathy Carlyle
- “Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.” – Cecilia Egan
- “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.” – Cher
- “Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.” – Cher
- “By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.” – Dorothy Parker
- “I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.” – Dudley Moore
- “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Erma Bombeck
- “Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.” – Fran Lebowitz
- “It is impossible to love and be wise.” – Francis Bacon
- “Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
- “Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.” – Fulton J. Sheen
- “Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.” – George Carlin
- “Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.” – Glenn Beck
- “I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
- “To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.” – Helen Rowland
- “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” – Henry Kissinger
- “When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.
And she never did.” – James Fineous McBride
- “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” – Jean Kerr
- “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford
- “It’s been so long since I made love,
I can’t even remember who gets tied up.” – Joan Rivers
- “Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.” – Joan Rivers
- “You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.” – Jonathan Carroll
- “No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along.” – Joyce Brothers
- “If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.” – Katharine Hepburn
- “True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.” – La Rochefoucauld
- “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” – Lily Tomlin
- “The only people who make love all the time are liars.” – Louis Jordan
- “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.” – Natalie Wood
- “Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Love is a grave mental disease.” – Plato
- “Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?” – Rita Rudner
- “Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.” – Sandra J. Dykes
- “All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.” – Shelley Winters
- “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
- “A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.” – Thomas Hardy
- “Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.” – Tommy Dewar
- “Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.” – W. Somerset Maugham
- “I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” – Walt Disney
- “Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” – Woody Allen
- “The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.” – Woody Allen
- “Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.” – Woody Allen
- “Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” – Steve Martin
- “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
- “I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal – high enough so you can look up her dress.” – Steve Martin
- “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin
- “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
- “Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.” – Steve Martin
- “A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.” – Steve Martin
- “You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.” – Steve Martin
- “I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there’s a game on.” – Steve Martin
- “There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.” – Steve Martin
- “There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they’ll talk back to you.” – Steve Martin
- “College totally changed my life. It changed what I believe and what I think about everything. I majored in philosophy.” – Steve Martin
- “I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.” – Steve Martin
- “I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.” – Steve Martin
- “We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.” – Steve Martin
1. “Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back” – Unknown
2. “Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.” – Unknown
3. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Unknown
4. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
5. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer Simpson
6. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Whitney Brown
7. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein
8. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one is carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld
9. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like «Psychic Wins Lottery» ?” – Jay Leno
10. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” – George W. Bush
11. “Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy
12. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” – Albert Einstein
13. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
14. “Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.” – Chris Rock
15. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld
16. “Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.” – John Peers
17. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
18. “Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson
19. “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” – Bill Cosbey
20. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” – George Carlin
21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill
22. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain
23. “If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.” – Tommy Lasorda
24. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright
25. “You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.” – Homer J. Simpson
26. “Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.” – Voltaire
27. “When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.” – Burt Reynolds
28. “Absence — that common cure of love.” – Miguel De Cervantes
29. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson
30. “It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.” – Weinberg
31. “As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.” – Socrates
32. “A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” – Helen Rowland
33. “Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Cordel Hull
34. “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill
35. “There are three faithful friends — an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” – Benjamin Franklin
36. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.” – Franklin P. Jones
37. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner
38. “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not «Eureka!» (I found it!) but «That’s funny …» ” – Isaac Asimov
39. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
40. “Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen
41. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” – Robert Frost
42. “The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
43. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
44. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
45. “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” – Mae West
46. “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
47. “Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” – George Bernard Shaw
48. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen
49. “All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.” – Miguel De Cervantes
50. “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers