I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. – Frank Howard Clark

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. – Mohandas Gandhi

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor. – Jennifer Jones

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. – Francis Bacon

In conversation, humor is worth more than wit and easiness more than knowledge. – George Herbert

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you. – Langston Hughes

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

Nothing is so galling to a people not broken in from the birth as a paternal, or in other words a meddling government, a government which tells them what to read and say and eat and drink and wear. – Thomas W. Higginson

One doesn’t have a sense of humor. It has you. – Larry Gelbart

Puns are a form of humor with words. – Guillermo Cabrera Infante

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. – W. C. Fields

The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense. – Jacob August Riis

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance. – Peter De Vries

The secret to humor is surprise. – Aristotle

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. – Bill Cosby

There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor. – Thomas W. Higginson

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them. – Robert Benchley

This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought. – Lin Yutang

What a strange world this would be if we all had the same sense of humor. – Bern Williams

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Americans are big boys. You can talk them into almost anything. Just sit with them for half an hour over a bottle of whiskey and be a nice guy. – Nguyen Cao Ky

As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

As they say around the Texas Legislature, if you can’t drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against ‘em anyway, you don’t belong in office. – Molly Ivins

Bernard always had a few prayers in the hall and some whiskey afterwards as he was rather pious. – Daisy Ashford

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? – W. C. Fields

Every article I see is dope this, junkie that, whiskey this – that ain’t my title. – Layne Staley

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. – P. J. O’Rourke

I can’t drink whiskey like I used to back then, that’s for sure. – Sebastian Bach

I learned early to drink beer, wine and whiskey. And I think I was about 5 when I first chewed tobacco. – Babe Ruth

I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it. – Robert E. Lee

I used to like whiskey. But it’s been a long time since I’ve been drunk. – Claude Williams

I’m a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four. – Joel Rosenberg

Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. – Lord Dunsany

Ninety percent I’ll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I’ll probably waste. – Tug McGraw

The tools I need for my work are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whiskey. – William Faulkner

They say some of my stars drink whiskey, but I have found that ones who drink milkshakes don’t win many ball games. – Casey Stengel

We got more provisions for our whiskey than the same money, which we paid for the liquor, would have bought; so after all it proved a very profitable investment. – Buffalo Bill

We partied with the royal rich people, and we felt like rock stars. We drank all the whiskey in the place. – Charles Kelley

We sat around and I fed them barbecue and whiskey. And pretty soon everyone started to compete with each other on the guitars. It seemed the more everyone drank and ate, the more everyone got into it. – Gary Allan

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His mouth is a no-go area. It’s like kissing the Berlin Wall – Helena Bonhem Carter on Woody Allen

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. – Henry Kissinger

He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard. – Unknown

A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstien, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck. – Tom Shale on Robin Williams

If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog. – Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono

God does not play dice with the universe. – Albert Einstien

She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at least as sexy. – Dwight McDonald on Doris Day

If you can’t convince them, confuse them. – President Harry S Truman

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. – W C Fields

He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker. – S J Perelman on Groucho Marx

Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon. – Abbey Hoffman

Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder? – Don Rickles

Breasts like Granite and a brain like Swiss Cheese – Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe

The thief of bad gags. – Walter Winchell on Milton Berne

I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born – Ronald Reagan

He’s proof that there’s life after death. – Mort Sahl on Ronald Reagan

The only genius with an IQ of 60. – Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol

He’s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund. – Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier

She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them. – Joan Rivers on Bo Derek

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. – Bob Wells

Can’t act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little. – Screen Tester on Fred Astaire

An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf. – Ross Perot on Dan Quayle

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper. – Rex Reed on Marlon Brando

He could start a row in an empty house – Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise

When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire? – Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger

Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve. – George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron. – Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone

What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics? – Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. – Shakespeare

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“No guy is worth your tears & when you find the one that is he won’t make you cry.”

“If you really love something set it free..if it comes back it’s yours, if not it wasn’t meant to be.”

“Some day you’ll cry for me like I cried for you, Some day you’ll miss me like I missed you, Some day you’ll need me like I needed you, Some day you’ll love me but I won’t love you.”

“Time will make you forget me but time will make me love you more than before.”

“Forget who hurt you yesterday, but don’t forget who loves you tenderly today.”

“The hardest part of loving someone is knowing when to let go, and knowing when to say goodbye.”

“I hate you for not letting me have you.”

“Forget the times he walked by, Forget the times he made you cry, Forget the times he spoke your name, remember now your not the same, Forget the times he held your hand, Forget the sweet things if you can, Forget the times & don’t pretend, remember now he’s just your friend.”

“The day you finally decide to love me will be the day after I have given up on chasing you.”

“I hate to see the one I love happy with somebody but I surely hate it more to see the one I love unhappy with me…”

“If in this lifetime, I wont get to have you, I’ll make sure that if I meet you in my next life, I wont have to think twice on saying that, I waited a lifetime to say I love you…”

“Moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.”

“If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.”

“Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours.”

“Should I hate you because you hurt me? Or should I love you because you made me feel special?”

“Deep down you know it’s best for yourself, but you hate the thought of him being with someone else.”

“Now I believe it when people say love is blind…’cause I must have been blind to love a person like you.”

“Money can’t mend a broken heart; that’s love’s job.”

“One cannot truly experience the beauty of love without enduring the pain that comes with it once it is lost.”

“The heart does heal and you will love like this again…only when you do, you will deny you ever felt like this before.”

“Why am I afraid to lose you when you’re not even mine…”

“I was born the day you kissed me, died the day you left me, but lived for the time that you loved me.”

“I will always love him, I just won’t love the way he treated me.”

“Anything worth having is a thing worth cheating for.” ~ W. C. Fields

“All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.” ~ Scott Alexander

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- “Along with success comes a reputation for wisdom.” – Euripides

- “They can because they think they can.” – Virgil

- “Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” – Thomas Jefferson

- “Keep steadily before you the fact that all true success depends at last upon yourself.” – Theodore T. Hunger

- “Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.” – Robert Collier

- “The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen.” – Frank Loyd Wright

- “A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in on the experience.” – Elbert Hubbard

- “There is only one success–to be able to spend your life in your own way.” – Christopher Morley

- “The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.” – Aristotle Onassis

- “The greatest results in life are usually attained by simple means and the exercise of ordinary qualities. These may for the most part be summed in these two: common-sense and perseverance.” – Owen Feltham

- “Failures do what is tension relieving, while winners do what is goal achieving.” – Dennis Waitley

- “The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will.” – Vince Lombardi

- “I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure–which is: Try to please everybody.” – Herbert Bayard Swope

- “Success does not consist in never making blunders, but in never making the same one a second time.” – Josh Billings

- “The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes.” – Earl of Beaconsfield

- “Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and inspiration.” – Evan Esar

- “The surest way not to fail is to determine to succeed.” – Richard Brinsley Sheridan

- “If you wish success in life, make perseverance your bosom friend, experience your wise counselor, caution your elder brother, and hope your guardian genius.” – Jospeph Addison

- “Impatience never commanded success.” – Edwin H. Chapin

- “The talent of success is nothing more than doing what you can do, well.” – Henry W. Longfellow

- “To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first.” – Shakespeare

- “Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.” – Albert Einstein

- “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.” – W.C. Fields

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“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.” – A. B. Evans

“You don’t say civilization don’t advance – for every war they kill you a new way.” – Will Rogers

“The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with use.” – Colin Jarman

“Critics are the stupid who discuss the wise.” – Anonymous

“A critic is a man who writes about things he doesn’t like” – Anonymous

“I love criticism just as long as it’s unqualified praise.” – Noel Coward

“A critic is a man created to praise greater men than himself, but he is never able to find them.” – Richard Le Gallienne

“The difference between journalism and literature is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.” – Oscar Wilde

“When an opera singer sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.” – Victor Borge

“The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.” – Roseanne Arnold

“The power with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech.” – George Bernard Shaw

“I know she is outspoken, but by who?” – Dorothy Parker

“You don’t know a woman, until you’ve met her in court.” – Norman Mailer

“Women are like elephants to me; they’re nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.” – W.C. Fields

“Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friends.” – Marcel Achard

“A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.” – Anonymous

“Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”- Charlotte Whitton

“A man’s love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Adam came first, but men always do.” – Anonymous

“If they can put one man on the moon, why can’t they put them all there?” – Anonymous

“Women have their faults. Men have only two: Everything they say. Everything they do.” – Anonymous

“Japanese are extremely good imitators and they so polite, they even copy the mistakes.” – Earl Scrugge

“If you’re gong to Paris you would do well to remember this: no matter how politely or distinctly you ask a Parisian a question he will persist in answering you in French.” – Fran Lebowits

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A smile confuses an approaching frown. ~Author Unknown

People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile. ~Lee Mildon

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. ~Phyllis Diller

Smile. Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends? Yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over. ~Walter Anderson, The Confidence Course, 1997

The world always looks brighter from behind a smile. ~Author Unknown

Start every day with a smile and get it over with. ~W.C. Fields

Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available. ~Jim Beggs

A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. ~Charles Gordy

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. ~Mark Twain, Following the Equator

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello

A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you’re at home. ~Author Unknown

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. ~Andy Rooney

If you smile at someone, they might smile back. ~Author Unknown

Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it. ~Author Unknown

Always remember to be happy because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile. ~Author Unknown

Everyone smiles in the same language. ~Author Unknown

If you don’t have a smile, I’ll give you one of mine. ~Author Unknown

I’ve never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful. ~Author Unknown

Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles. ~George Eliot

She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket. ~Raymond Chandler

Smiling is infectious,
You can catch it like the flu.
Someone smiled at me today,
And I started smiling too. ~Author Unknown

A smile appeared upon her face as if she’d taken it directly from her handbag and pinned it there. ~Loma Chandler

A laugh is a smile that bursts. ~Mary H. Waldrip

Smile – sunshine is good for your teeth. ~Author Unknown

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Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

I intend to live forever, or die trying. – Groucho Marx

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children. – Mark Twain

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. - Groucho Marx

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. – W. C. Fields

Golf is a good walk spoiled. – Mark Twain

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know. – Groucho Marx

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. – Mark Twain

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. – W. C. Fields

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said. – Mel Brooks

Too clever is dumb.- Ogden Nash

Clever Quotes on Life

Life is too important to be taken seriously. – Oscar Wilde

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. – Benjamin Franklin

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? – Groucho Marx

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead. – Benjamin Franklin

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. – John Lennon

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Anonymous

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.
Cleverness is mere opinion, bewilderment is intuition. – Jalal al-Din Rumi

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. – Robert A. Heinlein

A clever man commits no minor blunders. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho Marx

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. – H. L. Mencken

Clever Quotes about Life

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. – H. L. Mencken

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. – Albert Schweitzer

Old age is fifteen years older than I am. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it. – Israel Zangwill

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov

Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them. – Walter Kerr

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe. – Albert Einstein

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. – John Peel

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! – Tom Lehrer

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. - Tom Lehrer

If you’re alive you’ve got to flap your arms and legs, you’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you’re not alive. – Mel Brooks

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. – sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt, Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson, but…

Clever Quotes for Facebook

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. – Robert Frost

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? – H. L. Mencken

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. – H. L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. – H. L. Mencken

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. – H. L. Mencken

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull. – H. L. Mencken

Clever Sayings for Facebook

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Benjamin Franklin

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. – Oscar Wilde

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache. – Mae West

Clever Sayings

Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. – Mark Twain

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there’s no one watching you. – Tom Lehrer

The lack of money is the root of all evil. – Mark Twain

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth. – Will Rogers

Clever Phrases

To the best of my knowledge the following clever phrases are all anonymous. Come to think of it, would anyone really admit to writing any of these clever phrases?

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I love my attitude problem.

Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.

Join the Army, travel the world, meet interesting people and kill them.

When everything comes your way you’re in the wrong lane.

Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.

Half the people you know are below average.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Clever Sayings and Quotes

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

If I had known what it would be like to have it all – I might have been willing to settle for less. – Lily Tomlin

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. – Oscar Wilde

Get the facts first. You can distort them later. – Mark Twain

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. - Oscar Wilde

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. – Mark Twain

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. – Oscar Wilde

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. - Mark Twain

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies. – Oscar Wilde

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it. – Mark Twain

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Part of being a winner is knowing when enough is enough. Sometimes you have to give up the fight and walk away, and move on to something that’s more productive. – Donald Trump

A man can succeed at almost anything for which he has unlimited enthusiasm. – Charles Schwab

I do not think that there is any other quality so essential to success of any kind as the quality of perseverance. It overcomes almost everything, even nature. – John D. Rockfeller

If you want to succeed you should strike out on new paths, rather than travel the worn paths of accepted success. – John D. Rockfeller

Singleness of purpose is one of the chief essentials for success in life, no matter what may be one’s aim. – John D. Rockfeller

The most important thing for a young man is to establish a credit… a reputation, character. – John D. Rockfeller

It’s fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure. – Bill Gates

Before everything else, getting ready is the secret of success. – Henry Ford

Enthusiasm is the yeast that makes your hopes shine to the stars. Enthusiasm is the sparkle in your eyes, the swing in your gait. The grip of your hand, the irresistible surge of will and energy to execute your ideas. – Henry Ford

If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself. – Henry Ford

If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own. – Henry Ford

A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. – David Brinkley

Action is the foundational key to all success. – Pablo Picasso

Don’t aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally. – David Frost

Flaming enthusiasm, backed up by horse sense and persistence, is the quality that most frequently makes for success. – Dale Carnegie

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. – Bill Cosby

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. – W. C. Fields

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. – Vince Lombardi

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. – Bill Cosby

Most people give up just when they’re about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game one foot from a winning touchdown. – Ross Perot

One secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes. – Benjamin Disraeli

People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing. – Dale Carnegie

If you believe in what you are doing, then let nothing hold you up in your work. Much of the best work of the world has been done against seeming impossibilities. The thing is to get the work done. – Dale Carnegie

Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire. – Dale Carnegie

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. – Dale Carnegie

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. – Dale Carnegie

The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way. – Dale Carnegie

When fate hands you a lemon, make lemonade. – Dale Carnegie

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. – Winston Churchill

Success has a simple formula: do your best, and people may like it. – Sam Ewing

Success is blocked by concentrating on it and planning for it… Success is shy – it won’t come out while you’re watching. – Tennessee Williams

Success is like death. The more successful you become, the higher the houses in the hills get and the higer the fences get. – Kevin Spacey

Success is simple. Do what’s right, the right way, at the right time. – Arnold H. Glasow

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. – Earl Wilson

Whatever you have, you must either use or lose.  – Henry Ford

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. – Dale Carnegie

I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. That’s were the fun is. – Donald Trump

Without passion you don’t have energy, without energy you have nothing. – Donald Trump

If you want to achieve things in life, you’ve just got to do them, and if you’re talented and smart, you’ll succeed. – Juliana Hatfield

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“People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.” -Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI.

“I’m not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.” -Noel Coward

“Drinking Light Beer is like having sex in a canoe…fucking close to water. – Unknown

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” -Frank Sinatra

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.” -Ernest Hemingway

“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” -W.C. Fields

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?” -Stephen Wright

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” -Benjamin Franklin

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” -Dave Barry

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” -Henny Youngman

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” -Jack Handy

“All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.” -Homer Simpson

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” -Dean Martin

“I drink to make other people interesting.” -George Jean Nathan

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.” -Dave Barry

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