The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

You should not confuse your career with life.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

A penny saved is worthless.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infants life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.

“Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.”

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, with only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

The problem with winter sports is that they generally take place in winter.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy the people who are not in them.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.  Very often that person is crazy.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.

Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true!

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

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