1.) “Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail."
2.) “OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!"
3.) “No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American Way."
4.) “I don’t apologize. I am sorry Lisa, that’s the way I am."
5.) “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."
6.) “The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else…"
7.) “I have to work overtime at work instead of spending time with my wife and kids, which is what I want."
8.) “When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something."
9.) “Marge, there’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer."
10.) “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four."
11.) “Kids are great, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate and they practically raise themselves now-a-days, you know, with the internet and all."
12.) “Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
13.) “Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them."
14.) “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. "
15.) “Movies are the only escape from the drudgery of work and family … No offense."
16.) “Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family."
17.) “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day."
18.) “Kids, kids. As far as Daddy’s concerned, you’re both potential murderers."
19.) “Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids. "
20.) “Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn’t get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn’t get to go to college."