Funny Clever Quotes
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain
I intend to live forever, or die trying. – Groucho Marx
Familiarity breeds contempt – and children. – Mark Twain
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. - Groucho Marx
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. – W. C. Fields
Golf is a good walk spoiled. – Mark Twain
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know. – Groucho Marx
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. – Mark Twain
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. – W. C. Fields
Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said. – Mel Brooks
Too clever is dumb.- Ogden Nash
Clever Quotes on Life
Life is too important to be taken seriously. – Oscar Wilde
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. – Benjamin Franklin
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? – Groucho Marx
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead. – Benjamin Franklin
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. – John Lennon
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Anonymous
Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.
Cleverness is mere opinion, bewilderment is intuition. – Jalal al-Din Rumi
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. – Robert A. Heinlein
A clever man commits no minor blunders. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho Marx
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. – H. L. Mencken
Clever Quotes about Life
The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin
Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. – H. L. Mencken
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. – Albert Schweitzer
Old age is fifteen years older than I am. – Oliver Wendell Holmes
A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it. – Israel Zangwill
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov
Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them. – Walter Kerr
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe. – Albert Einstein
I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. – John Peel
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! – Tom Lehrer
Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. - Tom Lehrer
If you’re alive you’ve got to flap your arms and legs, you’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you’re not alive. – Mel Brooks
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. – sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt, Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson, but…
Clever Quotes for Facebook
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. – Robert Frost
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? – H. L. Mencken
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. – H. L. Mencken
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. – H. L. Mencken
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. – H. L. Mencken
Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull. – H. L. Mencken
Clever Sayings for Facebook
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Benjamin Franklin
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. – Oscar Wilde
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache. – Mae West
Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. – Mark Twain
Be careful not to do your good deeds when there’s no one watching you. – Tom Lehrer
The lack of money is the root of all evil. – Mark Twain
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth. – Will Rogers
To the best of my knowledge the following clever phrases are all anonymous. Come to think of it, would anyone really admit to writing any of these clever phrases?
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I love my attitude problem.
Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.
Join the Army, travel the world, meet interesting people and kill them.
When everything comes your way you’re in the wrong lane.
Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.
Half the people you know are below average.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Clever Sayings and Quotes
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde
If I had known what it would be like to have it all – I might have been willing to settle for less. – Lily Tomlin
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. – Oscar Wilde
Get the facts first. You can distort them later. – Mark Twain
In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. - Oscar Wilde
Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain
I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. – Mark Twain
By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. – Oscar Wilde
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. - Mark Twain
A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies. – Oscar Wilde
Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it. – Mark Twain