- “My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” – Spike Milligan

- “My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.” – Jay London

- “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

- “My inner child is not wounded.” – Shannen Doherty

- “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers

- “Never fight an inanimate object.” – P. J. O’Rourke

- “Never floss with a stranger.” – Joan Rivers

- “Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck

- “Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.” – Robert Orben

- “Never wear anything that panics the cat.” – P. J. O’Rourke

- “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” – H. L. Mencken

- “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine

- “Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw

- “Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

- “One man’s folly is another man’s wife.” – Helen Rowland

- “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter

- “Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.” – Lewis Mumford

- “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” – Samuel Butler

- “Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.” – Chevy Chase

- “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” – Ellen DeGeneres

2 Responses to Funny Quotes

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