How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Funny Quotes and Sayings

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You don’t need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

I scream the same way whether I’m about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

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