A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Will Rogers

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – Unknown

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes. – Oscar Wilde

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. – Unknown

funny short quotesA verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on. – Samual Goldwyn

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. – Sam Levenson

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – Unknown

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. – Unknown

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. – George Burns

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