1. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up, because by that time I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley

2. “What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.” – Oscar Levant 

3. “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?” – Paul Merton 

4. “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.” – Homer Simpson 

5. “I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?” – Jean Kerr 

6. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” – Steven Wright 

7. “At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.” – Partick Moore 

8. “I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” – Groucho Marx

9. “You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeners 

10. “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” – Elayne Boosler

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