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Mark Twain Quotes #4

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

The Christian’s Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Just the omission of Jane Austen’s books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn’t a book in it.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.

It is just like man’s vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don’t know.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

Zeal and sincerity can carry a new religion further than any other missionary except fire and sword.

Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered – either by themselves or by others.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession.

There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry.

There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

Great Collection of Quotes

* “A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror.” ~ Keyes
* “There is no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” ~ Unknown
* “Be with the ones you love (and the ones that love you.) Ignore everyone else.” ~ Seth Godin
* “Life is like skiing. Just like skiing, the goal is not to get to the bottom of the hill. It’s to have a bunch of good runs before the sun sets.” ~ Seth Godin
* “Let love rule.” ~ Lenny Kravitz
* “Are you a serial idea-starting person? The goal is to be an idea-shipping person.” ~ Seth Godin
* “Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind.” ~ Bruce Lee
* “Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
* “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” ~ Oscar Wilde
* “Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
* “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” ~ Lao Tzu
* “The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.” ~ Gloria Steinem
* “Let the sunshine in. When you are lonely, let it shine. You gotta open up your heart, and let it shine on in.” ~ The Fifth Dimension
* “Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means.” ~ Albert Einstein
* “Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.” ~ Mae West
* “If you let go a little, you will have a little happiness. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of happiness. If you let go completely you will be completely happy.” ~ Ajahn Chah
* “We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.” ~ W.H. Auden
* “Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman, giving all your love to just one man…” ~ Tammy Wynette
* “A blind pig can sometimes find a truffle. But it helps to know that they’re found in oak forests.” ~ David Ogilvy
* “Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” ~ Jimi Hendrix
* “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” ~ Mark Twain
* “On the whole human history is a record of the ways in which human nature has been sold short. The highest possibilities of human nature have practically always been underrated.” ~ Abraham Maslow
* “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” ~ William Shakespeare
* “Just don’t give up on trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.” ~ Ella Fitzgerald
* “If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don’t have it, no matter what else there is… it’s not enough.” ~ Ann Landers
* “Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth.” ~ Frank Zappa
* “All things are artificial, for nature is the art of God.” ~ Thomas Browne
* “It is strange how often a heart must be broken before the years can make it wise.” ~ Sara Teasdale
* “I say follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.” ~ Joseph Campbell
* “Contemplate the extent and stability of the heavens, and then at last cease to admire worthless things.” ~ Boethius
* “He whose peace is not shaken by others, and before whom other people find peace, beyond excitement and anger and fear – he is dear to me.” ~ Bhagavad-Gita
* “He who in his early days was unwise but later found wisdom, he sheds a light over the world like that of the moon when free from clouds.” ~ Buddha
* “Love taken seriously is a radical outlook, a major departure from the psychological orientation that rules the world. It is threatening not because it is a small idea, but because it is huge.” ~ Marianne Wiliamson
* “At the heart of my programme is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each others company.” ~ John M Gottman
* “Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.” ~ James Dean
* “The true measure of a man is how he treats someone that can do him absolutely no good.” ~ Samuel Johnson
* “Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.” ~ Albert Einstein
* “A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.” ~ Fr. Jerome Cummings
* “In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, for in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.” ~ Kahlil Gibran
* “A friend is someone who can sing you the song of your heart when you’ve forgotten it.” ~ Unknown
* “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.” ~ Bible Corinthians
* “There are many more beautiful landscapes in the world, but none, I think, that can shape a man’s heart in so sovereign a way… The desert is bare and clean and knows no compromise. It sweeps out of the heart of man all the lovely fantasies that could be used as a masquerade for wishful thinking, and thus makes him free to surrender himself to an Absolute that has no image: the farthest of all that is fear and the nearest of all that is near.” ~ Muhammad Asaf
* “He spoke of very simple things – that it is right for a seagull to fly, that freedom is the very nature of his being, that whatever stands against that freedom must be set aside, be it ritual or superstition or limitation in any form.” ~ Richard BachJonathan Livingston Seagull
* “I think the real miracle is not to walk on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don;t even recognise: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes or a child – our own two eyes. All is a miracle.” ~ Thuch Nat Hanh
* “I’d rather have the whole world against me than my own soul, and this soul reveals itself in a state of gratitude and love.” ~ John F Demartini
* “Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” ~ Confucious
* “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” ~ Bible
* “There are many trails up the mountain, but in time they all reach the top.” ~ Anya Seton
* “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou
* “Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it… It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.” ~ Erica Jong

Mark Twain Quotes #3

I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial “we.”

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.

Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.

An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven’t been done before.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Do something every day that you don’t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.

Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Virtue has never been as respectable as money.

New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write “very”; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.

The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.

Funny Quotes

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. – Quentin Crisp

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job. – Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? – Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer. – Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. – Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. – H. L. Mencken

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers. – P. J. O’Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. – Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. – Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

Warren Buffett Quotes

A public-opinion poll is no substitute for thought.

Beware of geeks bearing formulas.

Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.

Derivatives are financial weapons of mass destruction.

I always knew I was going to be rich. I don’t think I ever doubted it for a minute.

I am quite serious when I say that I do not believe there are, on the whole earth besides, so many intensified bores as in these United States. No man can form an adequate idea of the real meaning of the word, without coming here.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I don’t look to jump over 7-foot bars: I look around for 1-foot bars that I can step over.

I just think that – when a country needs more income and we do, we’re only taking in 15 percent of GDP, I mean, that – that – when a country needs more income, they should get it from the people that have it.

I never attempt to make money on the stock market. I buy on the assumption that they could close the market the next day and not reopen it for five years.

I think the most important factor in getting out of the recession actually is just the regenerative capacity of – of American capitalism.

If a business does well, the stock eventually follows.

If past history was all there was to the game, the richest people would be librarians.

In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield.

It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently.

It’s better to hang out with people better than you. Pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours and you’ll drift in that direction.

It’s far better to buy a wonderful company at a fair price than a fair company at a wonderful price.

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.

Look at market fluctuations as your friend rather than your enemy; profit from folly rather than participate in it.

Of the billionaires I have known, money just brings out the basic traits in them. If they were jerks before they had money, they are simply jerks with a billion dollars.

Mark Twain Quotes #2

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

None but an ass pays a compliment and asks a favor at the same time. There are many asses.

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.

Don’t tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Chastity — you can carry it too far.

Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity — another man’s I mean.

Laws control the lesser man… Right conduct controls the greater one.

No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

There is nothing that saps one’s confidence as the knowing how to do a thing.

We have the best government that money can buy.

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn’t.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

Mark Twain Quotes

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Better a broken promise than none at all.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.

Some men deserve compliments, but the only one that is welcome to a modest man is the one that is undeserved.

Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Man – a creature made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.

I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.

I make it a rule never to smoke while I’m sleeping.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

The more you explain it, the more I don’t understand it.