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Yogi Berra Quotes

U1283561INP– “This is like deja vu all over again.”
– “You can observe a lot just by watching.”
– “He must have made that before he died.” — Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
– “I want to thank you for making this day necessary.” — On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.
– “I’d find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I’d return it.” — When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
– “Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?”
– “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
– “I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”

– “If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.”

– “If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”

– “You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”

– “Baseball is 90% mental — the other half is physical.”

– “It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.”

– “Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.”

– “A nickel isn’t worth a dime today.”

– “Nobody goes there anymore; it’s too crowded.”

– “It gets late early out there.” — Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

– “Glen Cove.” — Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.

– Once, Yogi’s wife Carmen asked, “Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” Yogi replied, “Surprise me.”

– “Do you mean now?” — When asked for the time.

– “I take a two hour nap, from one o’clock to four.”

– “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

– “You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn’t enough in the second half you give what’s left.”

– “90% of the putts that are short don’t go in.”

– “I made a wrong mistake.”

– “Texas has a lot of electrical votes.” — During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

– “Thanks, you don’t look so hot yourself.” — After being told he looked cool.

– “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”

– “Yeah, but we’re making great time!” — In reply to “Hey Yogi, I think we’re lost.”

– “If the fans don’t come out to the ball park, you can’t stop them.”

– “Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.”

– “It’s never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn’t.”

– “How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don’t know how to spell my name.” — Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to “bearer.”

– “I’d say he’s done more than that.” — When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

– “The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.”

– “He can run anytime he wants. I’m giving him the red light.” — On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.

– “I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”

– “It ain’t the heat; it’s the humility.”

– “The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”

– “You should always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”

– “I didn’t really say everything I said.”

Best Homer Simpson Funny Quotes

HomerSimpson– “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like……love!”
– “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.”
– “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding,«You’re making a scene.»”
– “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.”
– “How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”

– “All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”

– “Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”

– “If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.”

– “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”

– “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”

– “If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?”

– “I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!”

– “Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all.”

– “Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.”

– “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

Family Guy Funny Quotes

FamilyGuyStewie Griffin: What’s this? Blueberries? Oh, oh my G…oh, that’s better than sex!
Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my ass look big?
Peter Griffin: I’ve got an idea – an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I’m talking about.
Peter Griffin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you – very homosexually.

Stewie Griffin: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.

Lois Griffin: Stewie why don’t you play in the other room?
Stewie Griffin: Why don’t you burn in hell?

Peter Griffin: Now kids daddy only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Peter Griffin: I’ve had a good life. And you can always be proud of your father and all of his accomplishments.
Meg Griffin: What accomplishments?
Peter Griffin: Go to your room.

Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

Marijuana Quotes

– “I think hard drugs are disgusting. But I must say, I think marijuana is pretty lightweight.” – Linda McCartney

– “I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. Marijuana is an herb and a flower. God put it here. If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong? ” – Willie Nelson

– “I smoked pot in college and in the Army.. ” – Al Gore

– “The only dead bodies from marijuana are in the prisons and at the hands of the police. This is ridiculous.” – Jack Herer

– “Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?” – Bill Hicks

– “I think pot should be legal. I don’t smoke it, but I like the smell of it.” – Andy Warhol

– “I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette is equal in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb blast.” – Ronald Reagan

– “When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it, and I didn’t inhale, and I never tried again.” – Bill Clinton

Best Comedian Quotes

– “I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, «I’d like some fries.» The girl at the counter said, «Would you like some fries with that?»” – Jay Leno)

– “My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.” – Roseanne

– “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

– “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

– “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.” – Woody Allen

– “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” – George Carlin

– “Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!” – George Carlin

– “You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.” – Dave Chappelle

– “I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.” – Dave Chappelle

– “A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby

– “To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing.” – Billy Crystal

– “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” – Steven Wright

– “Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.” – Carrie Snow

– “I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.” – Eddie Izzard

– “If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” – George Gobel

– “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin

– “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” – Jerry Seinfeld

– “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.” – Chris Rock

Best Happy Quotes

– “By taking a second wife he pays the highest compliment to the first, by showing that she made him so happy as a married man, that he wishes to be so a second time.” – Samuel Johnson

– “Use, do not abuse; neither abstinence nor excess ever renders man happy. ” – Voltaire

– “If you want to be happy, be.” – Leo Tolstoy

– “When we are happy we are always good, but when we are good we are not always happy.” – Oscar Wilde

– “Money never made a man happy yet, nor will it. There is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more a man has, the more he wants. Instead of filling a vacuum, it makes one.” – Benjamin Franklin

– “If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” – Albert Einstein

– “Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.” – Leon Joseph Cardinal Suenens

– “A joyful heart is the inevitable result of a heart burning with love.” – Mother Teresa

– “Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.” – Francesca Reigler

– “Our happiness is greatest when we contribute most to the happiness of others.” – Harriet Shepard

– “Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.” – Marcus Aurelius

– “Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.” – G. K. Chesterton

– “There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those.” – Mother Teresa

– “I have no name: I am but two days old. What shall I call thee? I happy am, Joy is my name. Sweet joy befall thee!” – William Blake

Cute Quotes

– “You don’t know what you’ve got till its gone..” – Unknown

– “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’ .” – Homer Simpson

– “Anyone can catch your eye but it takes someone special to catch your heart.” – Unknown

– “Once upon a time, something happened to m, it was the sweetest thing, that ever could be, it was a fantasy, a dream come true, it was the day I met you.” – Unknown

– “The best proof of love is trust.” – Dr. Joyce Brothers

– “Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends.” – Unknown

– “Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.” – Jackson Brown Jr.

– “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” – Unknown

– “Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes…….just be an illusion.” – Unknown

– “Love is like wildflowers; It’s often found in the most unlikely places.” – Unknown

– “When you are in Love you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.” – Unknown

Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quotes

jerry-seinfeld-banana– “I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?”
– “What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.”
– “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, «See if you can blow this out.»”
– “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”
– “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”
– “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

– “Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?”

– “Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”

– “The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.”

– “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”

– “I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, «Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.»”

– “See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.”

Steve Martin Humorous Quotes

steve_martin_photo– “Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” – Steve Martin
– “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
– “I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal – high enough so you can look up her dress.” – Steve Martin
– “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin
– “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
– “Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.” – Steve Martin

– “A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.” – Steve Martin

– “You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.” – Steve Martin

– “I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there’s a game on.” – Steve Martin

– “There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.” – Steve Martin

– “There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they’ll talk back to you.” – Steve Martin

– “College totally changed my life. It changed what I believe and what I think about everything. I majored in philosophy.” – Steve Martin

– “I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.” – Steve Martin

– “I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.” – Steve Martin

– “We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.” – Steve Martin

Best Funny Quotes from Jim Carrey

jim-carrey_1– “If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer!” – Jim Carrey
– “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
– “People need motivation to do anything. I don’t think human beings learn anything without desperation. ” – Jim Carrey
– “I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don’t know if it’s possible forever and ever.” – Jim Carrey
– “Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.” – Jim Carrey
– “There is nothing like making love to somebody you give a shit about.” – Jim Carrey

– “I think I could go away tomorrow. I’ve already accomplished something. It’s such a selfish business that sometimes I get sick of myself.” – Jim Carrey

– “Either you’re the one erasing or you’re the one being erased.” – Jim Carrey

– “I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I’m just trying to create a good one for myself.” – Jim Carrey

– “My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.” – Jim Carrey

– “I got a lot of support from my parents. That’s the one thing I always appreciated. They didn’t tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.” – Jim Carrey

– “I want to be the greatest actor that ever lived, frankly. I’d love that. But I don’t need to be. I just want to be here. That’s it.” – Jim Carrey